Two Little Words
by Destined Darkness
Summary: A bunch of drabbles, mainly about Loki but there will be some about Thor too... : How do you even summary?
1. Two Little Words

So... I had Thor feels so... uhm... here? :)

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Two little words were all it took, two little words and then he was gone. A weight changing on a staff, a hand letting go, and a scream lost in the night. Two little words and he was gone, falling away.

_'I could have done it father… for you.'_

_'No, Loki…'_

Two little words and he was gone, two little words spoken at the wrong time to the wrong person. Two little words, six letters, one life, one heart, one brother. Two little words and it's the little things that count, two little words and it's the little brother that lets go, two little words and it's too little too late to say you're sorry. Two little words and he's falling.

_'No, Loki…'_

Two little words, carelessly tossed away to a man who knows words hold power. Two little words spoken thoughtlessly to a man whose world has literally crashed down around him. Two little words that could easily have been something else, something better, something more, something different. Two different little words that would have kept a broken man from falling, two different little words that would have saved a falling family from breaking. It's the little things that count, and Loki _never _thought he counted and two little words said in the broken night did nothing more than prove him right. It's the little things that count and Loki never did.


	2. Shadow

_I have decided to turn this into a drabbly one shot thing like I did for my Supernatural fic about the Angels... :) It's just gonna be Thor and Loki centered I think.. :P _

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_"There is nothing you can do without defying father."_

That goes for everything, Loki thinks, absolutely everything; Loki just hopes Thor sees that too. Thor sees, he does. Everyone thinks he's just this giant big idiot who likes fighting and nothing more but he grew up with Silvertongue, he grew up sharing everything with Silvertongue. He's not stupid, he just can't bear the thought of taking away Loki's speciality when he knows Loki can never take away his.

_"There is nothing you can do without defying father."_

Thor sees that for what it is, knows that it's Loki's way of saying that… he's okay with being kept in the dark, he doesn't mind being in Thor's shadow. But… Thor sees that for what it is too, that Loki is dying in the darkness, that Loki can't find the air needed to breathe, to live. It forces him to make up his mind, attack Jotunheim… for nothing more than an outlet for his anger and to attempt to get Loki to save him again… because no one can say that Loki's less important than Thor if Loki _saves Thor's life!_

If he'd stopped to think things through, maybe he'd have been home when Loki's world shattered down around him, maybe he could have helped Loki and stopped him taking matters into his own hands and defying Father like Thor had, like Thor always had… Maybe they were right… maybe Loki was just stuck in Thor's shadow… copying Thor in every aspect... maybe that's why Thor wakes up screaming every night, his brother's name on his tongue, his body shaking from a fall he never made but one that haunts his every dream nonetheless.


	3. No Matter What

Here. :)  
Uhm. Loki is 3 (in Human terms) and Thor is 6 (in Human terms) and Loki says Thor like that because he knows it annoys the hell out of Thor and also because... well that's how my baby cousin says it and still can't get over the fact that she finds the 'r' so hard to tack on... *shrug* Anyway.. here you go.

* * *

'_Sometimes I'm envious but never doubt that I love you.'_

"Loki, Loki… no stop it. I'm not going to fight you, Loki!" The newly crowned king of Asgard tosses and turns in his sleep. "LOKI! NO! LOKI! BROTHER!" Thor wakes up panting, his body is riddled with sweat and he's shaking. There are tears falling from his eyes and he scrubs them away angrily as he sits up. "How long are you going to haunt my dreams, brother mine? How long am I going to look in the mirror and wish with all my might that you were standing beside me? How long am I going to regret letting you go, brother?" He whispers to the darkness. A thought tugs at his mind, a memory.

'_I never wanted the throne! I only wanted to be your equal!' _

The voice snarls in his mind and he closes his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose. "I'm sorry, brother. I'm sorry. I didn't know you felt so bad, I didn't know you were so sad, I didn't know you needed me. I'm sorry." He whispers lying back on his pillows. "I'm the elder brother, I'm meant to protect you, even from yourself if need be, and there was need and I'm sorry… I wasn't here and I couldn't see and I didn't know and you fell and I'm sorry. I truly, truly am…" he says, letting his arm fall against the bed and his eyes open, staring up at the ceiling. "I forgive you your madness, it was cruel for you to have found out the way you did, I'm sorry. Please… forgive me." He whispers as his eyes slip closed and sleep takes hold.

'_Sometimes I'm envious but never doubt that I love you.' _

"Tho'! Tho'! Wake up, Tho'! Papa take us ridin'! Tho'!"

"Eugh, Loki… how hard is it to say 'Thor' the 'r' is not in a difficult place…" Thor groans as he's shaken awake by his baby brother.

"Tho'!" Loki says adamantly, and Thor scowls ruffling his brother's hair before getting out of bed and attempting to find his clothes. Loki giggles and runs out of the room. "Papa! Papa! Tho' wake! Tho' wake!" he screams as he goes, making Thor laugh as he watches his little brother.

"Okay, Loki, how about you go find your mother and ask her to help you get changed, then we can go." Thor grins when he hears his father but he frowns when he hears little feet running back towards him.

"Tho' he'p, Lok' change?" Loki proclaims, tugging on Thor's pyjama leg, Thor grins and looks up at his father as he enters the room. Odin shrugs so Thor grins, taking his brother's hand.

"Okay, Loki, let's go.' He says, heading off with Loki. Loki giggles and skips alongside his brother.

"Tho', Lok' wear green today?" Loki says, squeezing his brother's hand. Thor grins down at his brother.

"Sure, buddy, when do you ever wear anything else?" he says, laughing when Loki shrugs.

"Thor? Lok' love you." Loki says quietly, so quietly Thor nearly misses it, before he stops and bends down to his brother's eye level. If he's confused about what's brought this on, he doesn't show it.

"I love you too, Loki. No matter what." He says, pulling his brother to him tightly. And then the dream ends and Thor wakes up, with his brother missing, his father sleeping and a crown now resting on his bedside and the sun shining through the crack in the curtains. "I love you no matter what, Loki; I hope you know that, wherever you are…" he whispers to the little ray of sunshine. "I love you no matter what."


	4. Pride

If you haven't guessed already, I dislike Odin, a hellalot. He's an arsehole and it's his fault Loki ended up going darkside, you don't raise your children as brothers, by keeping a world shattering secret from them and then get pissed off when they battle it out because they're reached a point where one of them doesn't know who he is anymore and the other one is in love but has been exiled because he's been following the way of his heart how YOU taught him. That's shit arse parenting and Odin, being the Allfather, should know better!

Anywho, rants aside. enjoy.

* * *

'_You've already made me proud.'_

Later, when Thor's alone, he thinks on these words and a rage grows within him, a rage and a sorrow so great he nearly slams Mjolnir through the wall. _I could have done it, father, for you, for all of us. _Loki's voice rushes through his mind, _No, Loki. _followed by his father's. _Someday, perhaps, I will make you proud. _His own voice and then _You've already made me proud._

"What was that, Father?" he snarls at the wall. "Were you unwilling to make the same mistake twice or were you just doing what you've always done? Praise me when Loki 'fails'? Huh? Is that it? He just wanted to be equal to me; he just wanted your praise. But you didn't give it and instead he let go, he fell, he failed and all I did was watch and you're proud of me for that? I'm sorry father but… I… I don't understand. When did Loki become just something to be tossed out with the trash? When did he become less important? 'Both of us were born to be kings.' Remember? So why did you get so annoyed when he embraced the path you had planned for him? Why didn't he make you proud." His fist pulls back and slams against the wall, cracking it and he snarls, uncaring. "If I had known the price I would have to pay to be king was losing Loki, losing Jane. I _never _would have paid it. You pitted us against each other to see who was the victor but neither of us won. Be happy, father, be proud, you won, we lost, as we always would." He scowls before storming off towards the Rainbow Bridge and Heimdall, his mind in turmoil.


	5. It Used to be Green Once

Ahaha! You're going to cryyyy! Ohh I love making you guys cry! It makes me smile. :P Loki loves it too, by the way. :)

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Green had always been Loki's colour, green symbolized earth or nature, eternal life, stability. Loki always thought that if he adorned himself in the colours of the things he most wished people to see him as; he might end up genuinely feeling like that. He was anything but stable or eternal now.

Red had always been Thor's colour, red symbolized blood, death, fighting. Thor had always wanted people to see him as a warrior, so he dressed in the colour of a warrior and held himself like a warrior and was, for all intents and purposes, a warrior. Thor's colour had rewarded him, Loki's however?

With his green cape stained red with his blood and his green eyes taking on their Jotun Red hue as his body slowly turned blue, he couldn't help but let out a laugh. Red was and always had been Thor's colour; Loki thought it ironic that he would die wearing Thor's colour. And, if he thought about it now, it should have been obvious to him so long ago. Red was a primary colour, it was important; people needed red to make other colours. Green was a secondary colour, it was not important; anything you could make with green required one of the primary colours first. His colour had always been green, he had always been unimportant. Thor's colour had always been red, he had always been important.

Dying in Thor's colour only meant one thing to Loki, one thing that made him smile, one thing that made him feel remorseful of his sins. Dying in Thor's colour meant that for the first and last time in his life, Loki was just as important as Thor. That was enough for him, his magic might be gone and he might be going to die in this abandoned warehouse, alone, oh so very alone, but he was going to die in Thor's colour, he was going to die important. So when he slipped away into oblivion in the early hours of the morning, having lost too much blood, he slipped away happy, with his green cape stained red, he slipped away an important man.

* * *

Loki: *sigh* She insists I tell you that she does not know what happened to me only that for some reason my magic is gone and I cannot heal myself.  
DD: *is a sobbing mass on the floor having seen the next House Episode's trailer* JUST LEAVE ME TO DIE! GO ON WITHOUT ME!  
Loki: Okay... *heads off*  
DD: *wails long into the night*  
Thor: *sighs, wanders in, grabs DD and drags her out* *waves goodbye to everyone*

*sobbing* R&R guys... R&R...


	6. Words Hold Oh So Much Power

Uhm... here...? :D And I should be going to see the Avengers tomorrow :D ahahahahaha No scratch that, I WILL be going to to see the Avengers tomorrow. :D

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What hurts Loki the most is not the words, no, never the words. What hurts Loki the most is that it's something he would _never _do or say to his children. He'd never look into their eyes as they dangled over a precipice, having ended up there trying to impress _him, _trying to make _him _proud, and say, 'No.' because it's not what you say, it's what you don't and Odin only said 'No, Loki.' He didn't say 'I love you, Loki, but no.' or 'I know, Loki.' He just said no. It's not what you say but how you say it and Odin said it with all the air of someone eternally disappointed and Loki never deserved that.

What hurts Loki most is that he's meant to be the villain; he's meant to be the bad guy here, meant to be vicious, unfeeling, and apathetic. He's meant to be the one in the wrong and yet… he's Loki, the Trickster God, he always knows the right words to bring any being to its knees, always knows exactly what to say to destroy a person, but he never does. He stops himself at the last moment, stops himself from taking that one step too far, he just stops. Odin never did. Odin looked into Loki's eyes and did the one thing every parent is never meant to do, he looked into Loki's eyes and he destroyed him. It hurts Loki most because he would _never _do this to his children or anyone, and he's meant to be the villain, meant to be the creature mothers keep away from their children, not realizing he's a mother himself and could never find it within him to cause little ones harm.

What hurts Loki the most is that, as a Master of the Spoken Word, he knows exactly what kind of power, what kind of hold words have over people. He knows exactly what things destroy a person from the inside out and he'd never go that far, never stoop to that level. What hurts him most is that Odin knows the power of the Spoken Word too, Odin knows and never hesitated to bring Loki's world crashing down around him, in fact, he looked Loki in the eye as he said the two things that he knew would hurt Loki the most.

'_No, Loki.'_

Loki finds it tragically funny how only two little words can destroy a Master of them.

* * *

Loki: *smirks* Yeah, you're allowed to cry...  
DD: D: GUYS! GUYS! THE WRITING IS NEARLY INVISIBLE! AHAHAHAHA! AHAHAHA! WOOOHOOO THAT'S AWESOME!  
Loki: THOR! THOR! SHE'S HAVE A MOMENT AGAIN! THOR!  
Thor: *facepalm* *sighs* Read and review everyone... :) *drags his brother and DD out*  
DD: *makes faces at Loki as she's dragged out*  
Loki: *looks disgusted* Midgardians...


	7. Tears in the Rain

Just a warning, you're gonna cry! Seriously you will, like I'm honestly not joking... at all...

OH! And if you want you can leave prompt ideas for these or whatever in your reviews. :) Or you can PM me them or whatever... :P

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"No! No I am done, Loki, I am done! You don't want my help? Fine! There's nothing left of my brother to save! I'm done! From this moment on, Loki Laufeyson, you mean nothing to me!"

The heart-breaking silence that follows these words, the way every other Avenger goes dead still and nearly stops breathing as they look at Loki. The way the Trickster God falls to his knees, no wound adorning his skin, no dent in his armour but his heart broken none the less. The look on Thor's face when he realizes what he's just said, the stinging in Loki's eyes as the tears threaten to form, the palpable silence broken only by the water leaking from damaged pipes.

"If that is how you truly feel, Thor Odinson, I shall not insult your Highness with my presence any longer. I admit defeat and forfeit my life as proof." Loki says voice barely above a whisper. Thor shakes his head in shock and guilt.

"No, Lo-" Loki twitches and his hands clench and Thor stops himself from repeating the last words their father ever said to Loki.

"If you don't do it, I will." Loki whispers and with a flick of his wrist a sword appears in his hand. Thor continues shaking his head. Loki gives a small nod and his grip tightens on the hilt of the sword.

"Loki, no. Don't, Loki, please." He whispers, poison green eyes look deep into sky blue ones, a blinding glow of sunlight on silver, a gasp of breath, a squelch followed by the clang of metal hitting concrete, a cough full of blood and the sound of a body hitting the pavement. A name whispered over and over again as the sky above clouds over, the voice and the pitter-patter of raindrops is slowly drowned out by cracks of thunder and flashes of lightening.

A smile graces a pale face as green eyes find blue once more and then they're gone, lost forever and the tears fall from sky blue eyes like the rain that tumbles as the thunder cracks and the wind howls overhead. It is raining when Loki Odinson surrenders his soul to his daughter's realm, forever.

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R&R :)


	8. Lies for the Liars

I don't know what this is, okay? It's safe to assume that Loki has had a change of heart in it though, that's for sure. :P Anyway, enjoy. :)

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Loki never did tell Thor of all the things he's done in order to keep him safe, never told him all the things he's done for him just because he could or he felt he needed to and now is no different. If Loki holds his left arm across his chest and only ever uses his right nowadays, it's just because he's attempting a new spell that has a few silly requirements. If Loki breathes with a wheeze and tries not to laugh at anything, it's simply because he's exhausted himself with the day's activities. If Loki has blood shot eyes it's only because he stays up all night planning new ways to 'destroy' the Avengers. If Loki jumps and twitches constantly it's just because his body is reacting to too much caffeine. It is not because Loki's arm is broken or his ribs are pressing against his lungs, it's not because he screams in nightmares when he sleeps or because he's beginning to associate touch with pain, it's none of these. It's just Loki being Loki.

So when Loki appears in his room at Stark's Mansion, his face paler than usual, one hand clenched over his side, blood oozing through his fingers, it's because Loki tripped and stabbed himself with the staff, it's not because Trickshot shot him. When Loki appears shaking and shuddering and muttering nonsensical things under his breath, it's because a new spell went wrong and he's trying to find the words to fix it, it's not because Emma Frost tore down the walls in his mind and took him for a ride.

Tony's the one who notices when Loki starts limping, and no, it's not because Namor broke his leg, it's because he fell down the stairs at his apartment.

"_Yes, Tony, I do actually have an apartment. I do still require a proper home not just yours!"_

Tony starts investigating his daytime enemy and night time friend, he is shocked when Jarvis tells him that Loki has been repeatedly returning to his room, injured and sometimes bloody or near death to the point where the A.I nearly informed Tony or medical personal. Tony lies awake on Loki's bed that night and waits.

When Loki appears, arm held over his chest, blood dribbling down his chin, legs barely supporting him, it's not because Doom wanted to have some fun, it's because he got himself run over, except he's tossing off his armour and sobbing before he realizes Tony's there, and by then his excuse is useless.

"What happened, Loki?" when Loki jumps, it's because he really hadn't expected Tony to be there, it's not because the last voice that snuck up on him in the dark tore his mind apart. When he spins far too slowly and still his breath hitches, it's not because moving hurts or he's pulling on newly healed and newly gained wounds, it's because he's so exhausted he's about to collapse, it's been a long day.

"Nothing, Tony. I walked in front of a car… please leave." If Loki's voice sounds void of all life it's because he's tired, it's not because he's losing his grip on reality, it's not because death is starting to look more welcome than life, it's not because he's screamed himself hoarse, it's because he's exhausted.

"You lack your usual lying finesse, Loki." Tony says, bored and annoyed, he does have better things to be doing than checking up on his frienemy. When Loki grimaces at his name, it's because it's late and he's really tired and people using his name usually means conversation, it's not because people using his name usually means he's done something wrong.

"Maybe it's because I'm not lying." And if Loki's voice wavers, it's because he's struggling to keep his eyes open let alone his voice level, it's not because he's contemplating telling Tony everything, not that there's anything to tell Tony, of course. When Loki sighs, it's a sigh of exhaustion, not a sigh of frustration. "Listen, Man of Iron, I'm tired. And I really want to sleep; can we continue this in the morning?" Loki tells himself it is not because he's running away from the conversation, from the truth, tells himself that it's because he _really _is tired and needs to sleep.

"Fine. I'm going to see Thor…" When Loki gasps and falls to his knees, ignoring the pain that causes, bowing his head, it's because his legs gave out in exhaustion, it's not because he's recently learnt that begging should be done on ones knees.

"No, don't, please. Don't tell him, don't tell him, please don't tell him. Don't tell him." It's because he doesn't want Thor to worry over nothing, it's not because he'll break down crying and spill everything the moment Thor comes to see him, and not that there's anything to talk about…

"Then talk, Loki. Tell me everything!" Tony says, looking down at the god and hiding a shudder at how wrong this all feels. Loki sobs and his shoulders slump, it's because he's not going to get to sleep now, it's not because he's been defeated, again.

"If I let them… experiment on me then they won't kill you, any of you. I couldn't… they know, they know I'm not really your enemy anymore, they know I hang out here all the time. They think Thor's gotten to me; they said if I let them experiment on me they wouldn't kill you for turning me. They said…" when he speaks, his voice is emotionless and yet somehow that just adds to the horrible affair. When strong arms grab Loki and pull him up onto the bed and into a strong embrace, he tenses only because he doesn't like showing affection, he doesn't tense because he's preparing himself to be thrown against the wall or back down onto the floor. When he relaxes and wraps his arms around Tony and sobs into his neck, he realizes that he has to stop lying to himself, he's crying because he's broken and he's broken because he loves his brother too much to let anything happen to him. Whatever words Tony has to say to him are lost as the God relinquishes himself to sleep.

When he wakes up to find himself held against a far too warm, far too solid chest, with a far too strong hand stroking his hair and an all too familiar voice whispering sweet nonsense promises into his ear, he can't help but smile. It's Thor's voice that carries him out of the darkness and into the light and he knows, he understands, it will never again be because of another being that he spends nights wide awake, silently screaming, that he spends countless days limited by broken bones, with an inability to breathe freely. It will never again be because of another being that Loki Odinson decides his life is worth nothing more than a few empty threats and promises. It's not because he feels safe that he falls asleep in Thor's arms again, it's because he knows that Thor's strong enough to protect the both of them and then some, and that is all the reassurance he'll ever need.

* * *

Oh I did a bit of Wikia reading and stuff, never having really liked comics all that much, and Trickshot is Hawkeyes evil brother. Namor and Emma Frost and Doom along with Loki made up the Avengers main enemies, apparently.


	9. Are You Ever Not Going to Fall For That?

Uhm... here. :)

* * *

Loki likes that they left him alone in Stark Tower, thinking him injured after the Hulk smash, he likes that even Thor was stupid enough to think that Loki would have been down for the count for as long as they'd been gone. He likes that while they were busy worrying over Tony, Loki was busy setting up everything he needed for his escape. Loki likes that while Tony plummeted back down to earth; Loki made his get away, leaving a fully functional, magic bearing, emotion feeling A.I behind in his place. Loki likes that Thor doesn't know it's not Loki he has until he gets back to Asgard and 'Loki' melts before his eyes.

If Thor comes rushing back down to Midgard in a panic and feeling guilty, well Loki likes that too because…

_Are you ever not going to fall for that? _


	10. The Hammer Falls to End it All

_You can have this, and a tissue warning. :) Well... actually... tissue warning extends to most of these drabbles anyway so... whatever._

* * *

Here's what Thor knows, his brother is in danger; he has to save his brother. Here's what Thor sees, his baby brother is in trouble. Here's what Thor knows without a doubt, he is not going to let anyone get away with hurting Loki.

* * *

Here's what Loki knows, there's a knife pressed to his throat, there's a man standing behind him holding the blade, the man is the villain of the week, some high levelled warrior from a place even Loki can't pronounce, Loki was the villain of last and next week, was being the operative word Loki thinks. Loki's right arm is broken, his left arm is bruised and blood is dribbling from where glass from the shattered window cut him. Here's what Loki sees, Thor standing across from him, Mjolnir in hand and anger in his eyes. Here's what Loki knows without a doubt, Thor's not going to surrender and the knife is going to cut him and his magic is going to be too drained to be able to heal him.

* * *

"Thor, stop, no, listen, do-" within a minute Loki is choking on what he now knows is his last word and his eyes are going wide, his good hand is coming up to press against his neck, and he is trying not to panic at the warm liquid that he can feel gushing through his fingers as he is shoved to the ground. His body is twitching and he is trying to move his broken hand to help stop the blood pouring from his neck but he finds he cannot move.

"Aww, shit, Loki." Into Loki's wavering vision comes a man in browny-black leathers. Loki is trying to say something but the words are gurgling in his throat and he cannot speak. Hawkeye is bending down and applying as much pressure as he can to the wound. "Do yourself a favour and shut up, alright?" Hawkeye is ordering Loki, who in turn is giving the slightest smirk. There is a crash and a blur of colour behind Hawkeye and Loki is feeling sick, but at the same time he is feeling far too exhausted to keep his eyes open, or his lungs breathing, even if all they are breathing is blood, or his heart beating, he is feeling too exhausted to fight. His vision is blurring and he is choking on his own coppery tasting blood and then he is convulsing one last time before finding himself letting go, his body going limp, blood is still gushing from the wound. "Nah, nah, nah, you aren't allowed to die. Only we're allowed to kill you, you son of a bitch." Clint is muttering, continuing to apply pressure, suddenly a heavy hand is on his shoulder and he is turning to see Iron Man who is shaking his head.

"He's gone, Clint." Tony is whispering, turning to look for Thor, who is beating the villain of the week to death with Mjolnir. "Thor." Iron Man is calling; Thor is stopping mid-swing and looking at the Man of Iron. "Thor… Loki is…" The hammer is dropping from Thor's hands with a resounding thud and Tony is not given a chance to finish his sentence as the God of Thunder is rushing over, dropping to his knees beside his brother.

"Loki, please, no."

* * *

Here's what Loki knew, there had been a knife pressed to his throat, a man standing behind him, the man was the villain of the week, and he, Loki, had been the villain of last and next week. His right arm had been broken, his left arm cut and bruised. Here's what Loki saw, Thor standing across from him, Mjolnir in his hand and anger in his eyes. Here's what Loki knew without a doubt, Thor hadn't surrendered, the knife had moved and cut him and his magic had been too drained to save him. Here's what Loki felt, a biting pain, gushing warmth, a bubbling in his throat and his body going numb and then nothing.

* * *

Here's what Thor knew, Loki had been in trouble; he had to save Loki. Here's what Thor saw, his baby brother in trouble. Here's what Thor knew without a doubt, he'd had no plans of letting anyone get away with threatening his brother's life. Here's what Thor felt, an overwhelming anger, an urge to fight, an unexplained _need _to _avenge _and then the world broke and pain, just an unending pain that tore open his heart and brought him to his knees.

* * *

'_Loki, please no.' _

* * *

Here's what Earth knows, life isn't fair and fate has a way of taking those most loved away, but the universe keeps going and so must her children.

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_A/N: This one, as many of my drabbles, was inspired by Arya, she complained that Hero's always surrender when someone close to them is held at knife/gun point and so I decided to do a fic about what might happen if they didn't surrender. :) And because I'm in a giving mood... you can have the next drabble now too. Just click the 'next' button. :)_


	11. Here's the Thing

_Here be another drabble. :) It is a weird drabble but bear with it. :) _

* * *

Here's the thing about gods:

They aren't immortal, they can die and they quite often do.

They are all strength and anger and fight and blood and death and food and wine.

They are all powerful and they never tend to work too well with each other.

So it's not a surprise when the God of Mischief turns against Asgard, he's been doing it all his life.

* * *

Not even gods can fall through the universe and not be adversely affected, and waking up cold, betrayed and unloved on a planet you'd hoped never to see again will put even a god in an angry mood.

Hela would say 'It could be worse. You could have woken up in Hel, or never woken up at all.' She would say that, she says it even when the gods _do _wake up in Hel.

* * *

Here's the thing about Tricksters:

They aren't 'evil', they aren't 'violent'; they are just _annoying_.

They are all pranks and magic and 'I'm not stopping until you cry' and candy, they love their candy.

They are fickle and tend to choose to work alone, but they work best when their strengths are working in tandem, not even the gods can stand up to the combined might of the Tricksters.

So it's not a surprise when the Trickster God starts wreaking havoc, he's been doing it all his life.

* * *

Not even Tricksters, who can bend Time, Space and reality to their will can fall through the Universe and not become changed, and waking up exhausted, essentially drained of all power and emotionally compromised will very easily put a Trickster in a foul mood.

Gabriel would say 'cheer up; you've landed on the planet with the best candy.' He would say that, he says it no matter which planet they end up on.

* * *

Here's the thing about families:

They tend to fall apart, they don't plan to but they do.

They are all love and pride and rivalry and 'can I have your room if you die?' and lies, no family is complete without lies.

They are weak and fragile and whatever bonds hold them together stretch only as far as the blood line or the value of the members lives or wants. They work well together but work better against each other.

So it's not a surprise when the youngest son of the Royals of Asgard falls through the cracks, he's been doing it all his life.

* * *

Not even the son, who has lived in shadow all his life and been burned by the sun which he calls his big brother, can fall through the universe without being torn to pieces and reassembled with a few key parts missing, and waking up cold, alone and betrayed by your own family makes even the most calm and wise son lose all control.

Sam would say 'it's not your fault, there's a demon inside you that you can't get rid of.' He would say that, he says it no matter what choices he makes in full 'sane' capacity.

* * *

Here's the thing about Loki:

He never wanted the throne he only wanted to be his brother's equal.

He is all anger and regret and resentment and loss and magic and pain and sorrow.

He is both a mother and a father and dearly loves his children even though they have been taken from him. He works best on his own and won't let anyone tell him otherwise.

So it's not a surprise when he tries to kill himself, he's been doing it all his life.

* * *

Not even Loki, who always has a trick up his sleeve, can fall through the Universe without having his heart ripped out and shredded to pieces to be shoddily put back together, and waking up, just waking up when you never wanted to wake again, quickly makes Loki go insane.

Thor would say 'I'm sorry; I did not mean to wake you." He would say that, he says that despite always making so much noise that the entire Palace is unable to find rest once he decides he isn't going to sleep.

* * *

Here's the thing about Earth:

She has a tendency to keep on spinning even when she's at war with herself.

She's all earth and fire and water and air and life and death and gravity.

Her house is never in order, her family never works together, she rotates a sun and her children always seem to get burned but she tries to take care of them the only way she knows how, they are her children and she loves them.

So it's not a surprise when she doesn't stop spinning when destruction knocks on her door, she's been doing it all her life.

* * *

Here's the thing about depression:

It's a deep dark pit where you fall and just keep falling, and even when you hit the ground, you don't stop falling.

It's all anger and pain and loss and sorrow and regrets and resentment and 'I wish I could be as good as everyone else' and 'I wish you'd just love me' and 'I wish I had done something better with my life.'

It's a great big ball of overwhelming feelings and broken hearts and lungs you wish would stop breathing and blood you wish would stop pumping and a heart you just wish would stop beating. It is dark and dangerous and chaotic and so cold you burn even as you start to numb.

So it's not a surprise when the God of Chaos finally falls, he has been doing so all his life, after all.

* * *

_A/N: I don't actually know what made me write this but something did. _

_Cookies for whoever works out where Gabriel and Sam are from. :P_


	12. The Picture Speaks Louder than Words

**I don't know guys, I don't know. Just go along with it.  
Do not own the song, Waste, that belongs to** Staind.  
_'He...' = Loki's point of view. (because italics is pretty and Loki will have pretty handwriting)_  
'He...' = Thor's point of view. 'They...' = Together.

* * *

**"How could you paint this picture?"**

* * *

He paints a picture in his mind, of a dark haired, green eyed boy with a smile on his face and a book in his hand.

* * *

_He paints a picture in his mind, of a blond haired, blue eyed boy with a smile on his face and a hammer in his hand._

* * *

He paints a picture in his mind, of a sun that did not set for a month, of a dark haired, green eyed boy who remained unconscious for two.

* * *

_He paints a picture in his mind, of a hammer flying through the air, lightening crackling from it, of a blond haired, blue eyed boy standing frozen and shocked, mouth open as he watches after the hammer he has just thrown. _

* * *

He paints a picture in his mind, of a smile that slowly fades and green, green eyes that slowly dull, of laughter that becomes more of a cackle and a voice that becomes more growl or deadly whisper than anything else.

* * *

_He paints a picture in his mind, of a smile that never ceased and blue, blue eyes that shone like a full moon in the night sky, of laughter that boomed and a voice that grew ever louder. _

* * *

He paints a picture in his mind, of a hand on a staff letting go, of a dark haired man falling away with tears in his poison green eyes.

* * *

_He paints a picture in his mind, of a hand reaching out desperately in the night, of a blond haired man with horror on his face and a scream on his lips. _

* * *

He paints a picture in his mind, of the brother he has lost and the promises he broke.

* * *

_He paints a picture in his mind, of the family he betrayed and the brother who betrayed him._

* * *

They paint a picture, of a hand letting go, a scream in the night, a grin that faded, a smile that never ceased, a giggle that broke, blue eyes that shone, books scattered on the floor, a hammer sailing through the air, green eyes tearing up, a far too loud voice, a sun that would not set, a hand reaching out, promises being broken and a family betraying each other. They paint a picture, one that speaks one thousand words, that tells a chaotic, horrific, dark, deep and dangerous story of two brothers who were born and raised to be kings, in a kingdom where there was only one heir.

* * *

He asks one question, 'brother, when are you coming home?'

* * *

_He asks one question, 'how did we survive as long as we have?'_

* * *

They ask one question, 'Brother, when are you coming back to me? I cannot survive without you.'

* * *

**Was life as bad as it should seem?**

* * *

**R&R :D**


	13. And They Lived Happily Ever After

Uhm... here. :) So... yeah. enjoy? ehehe... :)

* * *

'_Sometimes I am envious, but never doubt that I love you.' _

Thor doubts, oh yes, he doubts. He wonders sometimes, late at night, when the rest of the team is sleeping, he wonders if maybe his doubt is what causes Loki's madness. He knows it's not, of course, but he still wonders. Maybe if he'd refused to fight Loki, maybe if he'd grabbed his hand or if he'd fallen after him, maybe if he'd told his brother as many times as he could that he loved him too, maybe if he'd… maybe… maybe…

But maybe doesn't blur the image of the hand letting go, maybe doesn't erase the memory of the weight shifting on the staff, maybe doesn't stop the scream that is still wrenched from his throat every night, maybe doesn't banish the madness he sees in his brother's eyes, maybe doesn't kill the pain in his and Loki's hearts. Maybe doesn't turn back time and set things right. Maybe doesn't give him peace every night.

'_Sometimes I am envious, but never doubt that I love you.'_

Thor doubts, oh yes, he doubts. He wonders sometimes, early in the morning, when the rest of the team is already up and about, he wonders if his doubt is what causes Loki's madness. He knows it's not of course, but he still wonders. What if he hadn't been exiled? What if Odin hadn't lied all Loki's life? What if Loki hadn't cared? What if they hadn't been raised to hate the Frost Giants with a passion? What if he had been there? What if he…? What if? What if?

But the what ifs don't heal the pain he feels in his chest, what ifs don't fill the space by his side, what ifs don't clean the blood from his hands, what ifs don't clear the rage from his mind. What ifs don't change the facts. What ifs don't give him the answers he needs.

'_Sometimes I am envious, but never doubt that I love you.'_

'_We thought you dead.'_

'_Did you mourn?'_

'_We all did.'_

Thor doubts that too and maybe he shouldn't and what if he didn't? But maybes, as he has recently learnt, don't change the facts and what ifs don't provide all the answers. Thor doubts and Loki loves and maybe this leaves them fighting over and over and over for many years to come, but what if it doesn't? What if Thor stops doubting and Loki stops envying? Maybe they hate each other for a little while and maybe they don't, but what if… what if… what if, maybe, they cast off the burdens laid upon them? What if, maybe, they drop their weapons and take each other's hands? What if they, maybe, stop fighting and, maybe, start loving each other? What if they, maybe, look into each other's eyes and, maybe, they cry. What if they embrace? Maybe they can be brothers, maybe they can be free, maybe they will be fine and maybe they don't fight anymore and maybe Odin apologizes and maybe Asgard accepts Loki and maybe Thor's not the only golden child. Maybe they can be happy; maybe they become a family again.

But Thor doubts and Loki loves and the fighting never stops, because happily ever after only exists in fairy tales and maybes never change the facts and what ifs never give you the results that you seek, but what if they did?

* * *

Ahaha I am evil. :P


	14. Blame Him Not for Playing Fate's Hand

Nithing: To be without honour and to carry the status of 'villain'

Apparently fanfiction doesn't like the symbol of 'AE' when you write 'AEsir...' dammit

* * *

Perhaps, when Loki is old enough to understand, Odin and Frigga sit him and Thor down and tell them that Loki is adopted but that it doesn't change the fact that he's loved and accepted in their family and their home. Perhaps, when Loki and Thor are growing up, they aren't raised to hate all Frost Giants but are taught that everything has the potential for good and evil. Perhaps, when they're far past their maturity, Loki doesn't watch as his skin turns blue and his life crashes down around him, but they go to Midgard and they watch over the humans they treasure so much and perhaps Thor meets Jane and they fall in love and she comes back with him to Asgard, perhaps they get married and Odin passes the throne down to Thor, perhaps Loki serves at his side and doesn't mind.

Maybe things could have turned out like this but they didn't, because Odin and Frigga never told Loki of who his parents really were, of what _he _really was, because Odin raised them to hate Frost Giants, because they went to Jotunheim and Loki watched as his skin turned blue and his life crashed around him and Thor met Jane and they fell in love, Odin never passed the throne down. Maybe things could have turned out better than they did, but they didn't, because Loki was frost giant raised an AEӔsir and ӔAEsir are raised to hate frost giants and frost giants are raised to hate ӔAEsir, because Loki was born frost giant and raised AEӔsir it makes him a nithing.

Perhaps, when Loki and Thor are growing up, his magical abilities are as praised as Thor's strength. Perhaps, when Thor is set to inherit the throne, Loki is given a task of 'diplomatic relations with the Nine Realms.' Perhaps, when it is revealed that Loki is a trickster, they understand that it's just who he is and that he can't change it because it would be like trying to change his blood, and they already know that's impossible.

Maybe things could have turned out like this but they didn't, because Loki's magical abilities were scorned and he was called weak, because Thor was set to inherit the throne and Loki was set to fall, because Loki became a trickster and they shunned and mocked and hurt him for it. Maybe things could have gone better but everyone knows they wouldn't have, because Odin is Odin and Thor is who he is and Loki is _what_ he is and there was nothing they could ever have done to change these facts.

Loki was doomed to tragedy the moment he was born and it's not his fault he wishes Odin had left him to die when he had the chance, it's not his fault he's lashing out, it's not his fault he's hurting everyone around him because he is hurting and no one can see it. It's not his fault because he's a slave to his genetics and the teachings of his youth. It's not his fault he can't stand the sight of himself because from a young age he was told frost giants were monsters. It's not his fault that under the pink skin of the ӔAEsir lays the blue skin of the Jotun. They can't blame him for playing the only role fate left open for him and no matter how much they try, they can't change the facts. Loki was born Jotun and raised AEӔsir, he became a Trickster and a nithing; he had his entire identity stripped away from him until he was left with only one word. _Monster. _And they can't blame him for it.

* * *

At the moment I really like writing about all the things that could have been different in Loki's life, so... there'll probably be a lot more of these types of things... :P


	15. The One He Cared Most For

Have some Frigga and Odin drama... :P

* * *

Frigga lets Odin know, in no uncertain terms, that she's not happy with him, that she is in fact, quite furious with him, that she's not going to see or speak to him again until she has found it within her to forgive him. She lets Odin know, in no uncertain terms, that what he has done is unforgivable, that she had just gotten one of her sons back only to lose the other. She lets him know that she holds him solely responsible.

She even goes so far as to slip into one of Yggdrasil's hidden passages and journey to Vanaheim, the home of the Vanir, knowing that Odin would not follow her. She stays there, away from her husband, for four months, refusing and unable to forgive her husband for the pain he has caused her and Loki and Thor. She returns to him, only when she comes to understand that she will never be able to forgive him, not entirely, but she will not punish her people for the mistakes of their king, they look to her for stability, she cannot let them down, like she let Loki down, this she will not allow.

So when Loki asks Thor 'Did you mourn?' he is really asking 'How is mother? Is she well? Does she know that I am sorry? Does she forgive me? Does she miss me? Please tell me she's alright, is she alright?' because he knows that while Odin most loved Thor, Frigga most loved Loki and he knows that his absence would have hit her hard. He knows that she would have been distraught, and he worries, because he has always loved her and it doesn't matter that she's not his birth mother, she has always cared for and loved him and she has been, and always will remain, the only mother he has ever known, no matter his blood. So he worries, and he knows she worries to.


	16. The Parts That Define Him

Here, have whatever this is and an apology for taking my time with everything, I've just got a lot of University planning and we start doing practice exams at school soon and the teachers are going on strike again and we're moving house at the moment and bleh, everything's all happening at once and it's focking crazy so whatever. :) Enjoy this. Whatever it is.

* * *

Every choice he makes, a part of him regrets, it doesn't matter what choice it is, he always regrets it. Well, he says 'he' as if he's only got one person beating around in his mind, controlling him but that, like everything else about him, is a lie. There's three parts of him screaming in his mind to be heard, only one can be in control at any given moment and only one will survive in the end.

The destroy Jotunheim and conquer Earth part of him is also the part who is sick and tired of living in Thor's shadow. That part is the one who will do anything, destroy everything, ally with anyone to get the attention he thinks he so rightly deserves. This was the part that let Thanos take over.

The deep, ever bored and ever childish part of him is the part that envies and loves in far too great amounts. That part is the one who will do everything, ally with anything and destroy anyone to make sure that Thor remains safe and utterly humiliated no matter what. This part surrendered to the Avengers.

The ever angry, far too emotional, far too self-destructive part of him is the part that is the monster, the beast that beats on the doors of its cage but never seems to taste freedom for more than but a second before the cage doors are closing before it again. That part is the one who questions everything, can't find meaning in anything, aspires nothing but at the same time wants to be free. It's this part that let go of Gungnir.

The part that let Thanos take over wears a green cape and Asgardian armour; it wears a golden helmet with horns and carries a sceptre that controls people's minds through their hearts. This part holds a rage that is undying.

The part that surrendered to the Avengers wears Asgardian armour, carries a cane and does not seek to protect its head; the temple which houses its greatest gift, it wears a smile or a smirk on its face as often as it can. This part holds envy and love in equal quantities.

The part that lets go of Gungnir has blue skin, wears Asgardian armour, carries a golden sceptre named Gungnir and bares its chaotic and untameable emotions for all to see. This part holds all the desires for the things that can never be and the things that can never come again.

The part that let Thanos in is called Loki Laufeyson and it holds anger undying that threatens to take over all life. The part that surrendered to the Avengers is called Loki Odinson and he holds love and envy within his heart in amounts so great they threaten to destroy him. The part that lets go of Gungnir is called Loki and he holds emotions and desires and memories and so many failed attempts at perfection that have been bottled up for centuries and threaten to take the entire universe with them when the lid finally pops off and one day it will pop.

Every choice they make, they regret, it doesn't matter what choice, they always regret it because there's three parts of him that are screaming in his mind and fighting for control and only one can survive.


	17. Sometimes I Feel Like a Monster

Quote is not mine, I can't remember right now whose it is but yeah... I liked it and when I saw it the first time I pounced on it and went 'LOKI QUOTE! LOKI QUOTE!' :)

* * *

'_What you have become is the price you paid to get what you used to want.'_

Monster. That is what you have become, isn't it? A monster, a traitor, a murderer, a kin slayer. You threw away everything and now you're left with this, this disgusting secret, this filthy lie. Look at you, you're green with envy, but you're not, are you? No, because you're blue with hidden pain. You're not like Thor with his vibrant, angry red, you're cold and alone and blue.

You are fire and ice and rage and serenity. You are peace and war and love and chaos. You are a monster, aren't you?

Equality. That is what you wanted, isn't it? Equality, love, affection, attention. You had the closest to it that you were ever going to get and you threw it away. You were second best, always, but you were still best. Look at you, Silver-Tongue, but you don't match up to the Golden Boy, you never did. Your halo never shone as bright as his and now it never will.

You are cold and alone and blue but you still bleed red, don't you? Because you were equal, because in his eyes you were, but you're not anymore, are you?

Monster, that is what you are, isn't it? A blue monster green with envy with hands stained red from blood. That is what you are, isn't it? You are nothing and no one and your colours reflect the price that you have paid to become what you are because of something you used to think you wanted.

You were born different, you were raised different, you live different, you will die different, but you were born, you were raised, you live and you will die, just like everyone else, this is the only equality you will ever taste because you threw the rest away, or did you? You are fire and ice and rage and serenity, you are peace and war and love and chaos. You sought equality, you found it within yourself, but that is not what you wanted. You are a monster, but only half of the time.


	18. Hours Slipping By Scream I've Failed You

Major tissue warning, because... feels. :)

And excuse me... Arya has just sent me a youtube video and my feels are taking over and I can't stop... crying... so fuck you Arya and... love you all at the same time... god dammit! *runs off sobbing*

* * *

His life was one long excuse of 'if it had been caught in time.' If they had caught on in time that he was smarter and different when he was younger then maybe they could have supported and helped him. If they had caught on in time that his prowess was in magic and not in strength then maybe they could have found a magic tutor to teach him instead of him teaching himself. If they had caught on in time that he envied Thor then maybe they could have shown him that he was as loved as Thor. But they didn't catch any of these in time and the wounds left from these missed opportunities were left to fester for centuries because… they didn't catch the injuries in time either.

If they had reached out and caught him before he fell then maybe they could have smoothed out the bumps in their road. If they had caught his unheard cries for equality then maybe they could have shown him just how much he was valued alongside Thor. If they had caught on in time then maybe now wouldn't be too late. But they didn't catch him in time and they didn't catch his cries in time either and he didn't catch himself when he fell.

_Jotun Blue and oh so cold. _

If they had caught it in time that he didn't have any friends, if they had caught it in time that he was a master of lies, if they had caught it in time that he was hiding a secret that no one could know, if they had caught it in time.

_Rose Red and oh so far away._

If they had caught it in time that he apologized to Thor. If they had caught it in time that he'd been less cruel with his attacks. If they had caught it in time that he was hiding in plain sight, if they had caught it in time, if they had caught it in time.

His life was one long excuse of 'if it had been caught in time.' If they had caught it in time then maybe his death wouldn't have been one too. But they didn't catch it in time; they never caught anything in time, did they? Because the sword and the knife and the hammer and the blade and the spear were their best friends, they always caught _them _in time, but they couldn't catch him.

They found him on the bathroom floor of his apartment, Jotun Blue and oh so far away, Rose red and oh so cold. If only they'd caught it in time.

His life was one long excuse of 'if it had been caught in time.' It only made sense that his death was one too.


	19. Loki has His Words But No One Hears Them

_So this is just some weirdass stuff I threw together... enjoy I suppose. :) Tissue warning for next chapter. :P _

* * *

_Young Loki wakes up crying, his hands rub at his eyes as he sits up and tries to breathe. _

"_Lucky Loki, what's wrong?" Thor's voice calls from across their room, Loki shakes his head and lies back down._

"_Nothing, Thor. Go back to sleep." He says, rolling up in his duvet and closing his eyes._

"_Are you sure, brother? You sounded like you couldn't breathe…" Thor asks quietly, worry evident in his voice. Loki gives a smile into his pillow._

"_It was just a dream Thor, and if you ever drag me into trouble again, I swear you'll find out why I couldn't breathe." He lies effortlessly and Thor raises an eyebrow, forgetting Loki can't see him._

"_Oh I dare you to try. Goodnight, Brother." He says after a moment, lying down and falling back to sleep instantly._

_Loki tries to sleep, he really does, but the moment he lets his thoughts drift a voice screams in his mind and an image flashes before his eyes. It's of a long dark haired man in green and gold and black armour, the man, if Loki thinks about it too much, looks a lot like an elder version of himself, and the man is crying._

'Don't let go, Loki, don't you dare let go. Who cares if you're a monster? Don't let go!'

_Loki doesn't know what's happening, doesn't know what he should do. He curls up in a ball on his bed and he struggles against the overwhelming feeling of emptiness that starts to engulf him. _

'Don't let go, Loki, don't you dare let go. Who cares if you're a monster? Don't let go!'

_The thought replays in his mind over and over and over again and he can't stop it and he doesn't know what it means. _

"_C'mon, Loki, this is why mother says not to read those scary books before bed." He whispers to himself and taking a deep breath in, he relaxes into his bed and closes his eyes. Sleep rushes up to take him and he lets it._

* * *

"I could have done it, father, I could have done it. For you! For all of us!"

"No, Loki."

He's not young anymore and the nightmare hasn't plagued him in years, but maybe it should have. Maybe the voice should be screaming in his mind now but it's not.

Loki looks up at his father and his brother and he breaks. He's not sure if he lets go or if he just loses the will to hold on. He thinks it's a bit of both, because he doesn't care whether he lives or dies, not anymore. He thinks it's a bit of both because he's falling.

'_You sounded like you couldn't breathe.'_

_I can't, Thor. Help me. Please, help me. Oh All-father help me. I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I can't breathe. _

"Loki! No!"

'_You sounded like you couldn't breathe…'_

'_Lucky Loki, what's wrong?'_

_Thor, Thor, please, brother, please. I can't breathe, help me. I'm falling. I can't…_

"Loki!"

_I'm… sorry…_

And he falls through the universe.

'_Don't let go, Loki, don't you dare let go. Who cares if you're a monster? Don't let go!'_

No one ever listens to Loki, not even Loki himself.

* * *

Young Loki wakes up crying, his hands rub at his eyes as he sits up and tries to breathe.

"Lucky Loki, what's wrong?"

"Nothing, Thor. Go back to sleep."

And so it repeats again, as it has one thousand times before and as it will one thousand times more, because no one ever listens to Loki, not even Loki himself.


	20. To Prove His Worth

Yes, I do know Gungnir is Odin's but whatever, I like to think Loki stole it as a reminder of sorts of how Thor and Odin let him down... of course he doesn't need a reminder but whatever... it's just what I personally like to believe.

Tissues. :)

* * *

Mjolnir is warm and light in his right hand while Gungnir is cold and smooth in his left, the last shreds of his magic swirl around him and his eyes flash, half of his body is blue, split right down the middle, and half is AEsir pink. One eye is a glorious blood red and the other a poisonous green. This is the only indication, other than his slight heavy breathing, that his magic is starting to deplete, that the magic his shape-shift sucks on is starting to fail. He is slowly losing the will to stay on his feet and with every second that ticks by the arms holding Mjolnir and Gungnir slowly start to hang more at his side. Blood dribbles down his right arm and runs off Mjolnir, pooling on the ground.

"You're not meant to exist anymore, Wyrm." He says with a cough full of blood, looking up at the giant scaly beast before him as it bares its large pointed teeth to him. "And, though I commend you on your survival, I regret to inform you that you have made a grave error. If you wanted to remain alive, if you wanted to be free, you shouldn't. have. touched. my. brother." And with that he calls forth the last strands of his magic and he channels them into Gungnir and Mjolnir before he leaps up onto the snout of the beast and stabs Gungnir into the beasts right eye and then, in the next fluid motion, smashes Mjolnir down into the left. There's two sprays of thick, warm black blood and a howl of pain and rage and a bright flash of green and golden light and somewhere a building crumbling can be heard before it's drowned out by the sound of something giant crashing to the ground and then nothing, nothing but the wailing of car sirens and building fire and intruder alarms. The giant black and red wings of the dragon flutter uselessly as the body of the beast takes a moment to finally die. Peeking out, through a pile of rubble, is a piece of poison green fabric and an arm covered in black and golden armour with a bleeding blue hand clutching tight to a hammer.

* * *

Thor's head is spinning when he wakes up and his left side hurts, vaguely he remembers the dragon's fire catching him in the side as he flew and how the fire had only grown as he'd plummeted to the earth. He remembers letting go of Mjolnir and rolling the moment he hit the ground to kill the flames but not being able to do so before his left arm and the left side of his torso were burned. He groans in nearly unbearable pain as he pushes himself to his feet. Looking around he sees that the dragon is dead, a giant charred skull remaining where its head had once surely been. Gungnir lies imbedded in the ground a little away from the skull, still quivering as if just been tossed. Thor sees Gungnir and he breathes heavily.

"Loki?" he calls, looking around for the flash of gold and black and green, looking around for a shadow in the daylight, listening for a cackle and harsh words that would herald Loki's presence but nothing happens and he thinks that maybe he's mistaken and that it's not Gungnir, but then he sees it; a flash of green and gold and black and red. "Loki." And within seconds his burns are forgotten and he's leaping over the rubble of destroyed buildings, the destroyed road, and he's kneeling beside the bit of green cape and the arm. He sees Mjolnir and he frowns, but only for a moment, because what does it matter that Loki managed to hold Mjolnir? What does it matter that Loki was worthy? It doesn't, he was always worthy; he just never thought he was.

Thor hurls the rubble of the broken building off of his brother and calls his name. "Loki, Loki wake up, Loki." He doesn't mean for his voice to sound so desperate, so upset but it does and he can't change that. "Loki, please, brother. Wake up." He strokes Loki's cheek and finds it more and more difficult to see through his quickly burning and clouding eyes. "Loki… brother, please." He doesn't mean for it to come out as a sob but he can't change that is does. Movement around him informs him that his team is finally coming to but he doesn't care, none of them are Loki, none of them are his baby brother. "Loki, please." He sucks in a breath and tries to stop himself from shaking with sobs but he can't, this is Loki, this is his baby brother.

A part of him wonders why he hasn't checked Loki's pulse, he tells himself it's because he doesn't need to because Loki's going to be fine but another part of him tells him that he doesn't need to because he already knows Loki's gone, after all, Loki's cheek is starting to cool under his hand and his skin is Jotun Blue and yet… Thor's not feeling any of the chill or frostbite associated with touching a Jotun. "Loki, Loki, no, please. No, please. Don't take him from me, no, please. Norns, give him back to me. Please." And that's how the Avengers find them, Loki lying Jotun Blue and ever cooling with Mjolnir clutched in his hand in the rubble of a building in the middle of New York with his brother stroking his cheek and sobbing into his chest and the body and charred skull of a dragon lying behind them. "Loki, no, no, no, Loki, please." They'll never forget the day they saw a God die and they'll never forget the thunderstorm that lasted for three long months afterwards, caused by the grieving of the God of Thunder.

"Loki. No. Please."


	21. World So Cold

So, as I said in my Drabble Fic for the angels of Supernatural, I'm in a not so awesome mood so... prepare to be bombarded with drabbles... I did a Shuffle Challenge, for those who don't know that means that I put my iPod on shuffle and whatever song that comes up, I have to write a fic for it and I only have the amount of time the song plays for to do it in. So... yeah... whatever.

* * *

Song: World So cold  
Artist: Three Days Grace  
Fandom: Avengers/Thor  
Pairing: None

* * *

It's not the demon inside him that hurts him, it's the guilt, it's the lies, the secrets, it's the nothing he has left. He is, by nature and by birth, ice and chill and rage and destruction and his world reflects him. He can't bear the sight of himself, can't bear the thought that even though he's a monster, he's still him and that it wasn't the monster that killed Thor, it was him, all him. The pain and the chill and the fear comes from wondering if he had made himself into a monster before he even knew he had been born one. It's not the monster that hurts him though, it's the thing that came before the monster that does.


	22. No More

Song: No More  
Artist: Three Days Grace  
Fandom: Thor  
Pairing: None

* * *

His look conveys one thousand things, one thousand things he's said to Thor at some point or another. One thousand things that tell his story. It doesn't take a genius to know Loki's going to let go, and Thor is no genius.

'_Loki! No! No!'_

With just these words he conveys everything he's ever told Loki to keep him going, it conveys every single thing he wanted to do for Loki that he'll never get the chance now. His hand reaching for his brother conveys something too, desperation, need, hope, but it's too late, Loki tried and he failed and he won't live with that fear anymore, he's done. No more.


	23. Sleeping Beauty

Song: Sleeping Beauty  
Artist: A Perfect Circle  
Fandom: Thor/Avengers  
Pairing: None

* * *

He had thought that over the years he could save Loki, could heal him. He thought that somehow he could coax or trick or drag the demons from his brother, but his brother, the God of Lies, told the biggest lie of all and he didn't even know it.

Thor didn't know then what he knows now, didn't know that the poison that dripped from Loki's words and burned like wild fire was the anger Loki felt inside that he couldn't understand. Thor didn't know that Loki was fire and ice and far too poisonous for Thor to save. Thor didn't know that he had been a fool for even trying.


	24. The Outsider

Song: The Outsider  
Artist: A Perfect Circle  
Fandom: Thor  
Pairing: None

* * *

Thor doesn't understand why Loki keeps trying; Thor doesn't understand why Loki even tried the first time. Thor doesn't understand Loki in general. He tries to, he does, he really, really does but he's not wired that way, he's not built that way.

He's tired of finding him after, tired of nursing him back to health, he's tired. So when Loki lets go, Thor lets him because he's tired, because they've been doing this for centuries, Loki falling and Thor catching him, and he's tired.

He doesn't understand and he doesn't want to watch anymore, so he lets him fall, reaching too late to save him, too late to stop him. He's tired and he doesn't understand, he's not wired that way.

* * *

If you didn't get what I was hinting at, listen to the song. :)


	25. The Final Breath

I had my creative writing module again today so I did two more pieces of writing for you guys. :) Enjoy. :D Oh, you probably need tissues and chocolate for this chapter and the next :)

* * *

It's kind of funny, you think, how over the centuries all the little pieces that made up who you were slowly fell away and shattered on the ground. It's kind of funny, you think, how no one seemed to notice when your heart broke, when your laugh died, when the sparkle in your eyes faded away. It's kind of funny, you think, how you managed to fall so very, very far before you had even let go, and how no one even noticed.

It's kind of tragic, you think, how everyone always told you to know your place when you never had a place to know. It's kind of tragic, you think, how everyone always despised and hated you for lying but got angry at you for getting upset over a lie told to you your entire life. It's kind of tragic, you think, how it was not the first time you'd let go but you'd thought it would've been the last.

It kind of hurts you, a lot, knowing that you belong nowhere; too small for the Frost Giants, too Frost Giant for the AEsir, too controlling for the Tricksters, too powerful for Midgard, too alive for Hel. It kind of hurts you, a lot, knowing that no matter how hard you try to fight it, chaos and destruction and blood and death and hate and rage are your best and only friends. It kind of hurts you, a lot, knowing that you fell through the ground that was meant to stop you, and you kept on falling, a little more broken for trying.

It's kind of funny, you think, that you've finally hit the ground and just when you'd found your wings to fly. It's kind of tragic, you think, that you lived your life in shadow and now you're going to die in it. It kind of hurts you, a lot, knowing that even though you fought it, even though you nearly succeeded, chaos and death and destruction and rage and hate have stayed with you through everything up until this final breath…


	26. The Monster at the End of This Book

Yeah, uhm, here. :) Loki is an angsty little f*ck. I will tell you that much.

* * *

They're all repulsed by him, they're all scared of him, they all hate him but none of it compares for what he feels towards himself. He can't stand the sight of himself in the mirror, his heart pounds too fast and his breathing is far too quick when he even so much as glimpses an ice-cube, he cries himself to sleep at night because it's better than letting his mind wander. His wandering thoughts would be all it took for him to self-destruct, they would consume him and he would break.

No one ever thinks about how he feels, no one ever thinks about what it's like for him, they can leave, run away, he has to live with the thing inside, has to acknowledge that it _is_ him. They are repulsed by him, they are scared of him, they hate him, but they can escape him, he cannot. He has to live with the thing inside and it nearly kills him when he tries. He expects Banner to know how he feels but he's wrong, the Hulk isn't a monster; he's just too strong for his own good, but Loki? Well, everyone knows how the story goes and the monster at the end of the book never lives.


	27. All the World's a Stage

DD is sick again. *scowling* And so she's miserable again and she wroted this for you all. :) Enjoy.

* * *

"Did you mourn?" You want to know if the memory of seeing your hand letting go haunts him, you want to know if the image of you falling flashes in his mind every time he closes his eyes, you want to know if he remembers the exact expression on your face as you let go, you want to know if he remembers the emotions that swirled in your eyes as you gave in, you want to know if he remembers the precise way your hair blew as you fell, you want to know if he remembers everything as clearly as if it were a video on one of those things the Midgardians call a 'camera.'

You want to know because you remember him reaching for you, you remember the desperate scream of your name tumbling from his lips, you remember the way his cape flapped around as he struggled to reach for you, you remember the way his eyes begged 'please, brother, don't do this,' and you remember the shock on his face when you fell.

"We all did. Our father…" He provides you with an answer, one you knew all along. If he truly remembered the expression on your face, the emotions in your eyes, the way you _let _go, if he truly remembered then he wouldn't outright lie to you. If he truly remembered then he would also remember what led you both to that precipice and he would know not to attempt it again, if he truly remembered he wouldn't be trying to make you come home, not when he remembered how you deliberately let go just to get away.

"_Your _father. He _did _tell you my parentage, did he not?" _Or did you know all along and just think it made no difference, Thor? _

"We were raised together. We played together. We fought together. Do you remember none of that?" You do remember, but you also remember Mjolnir crushing your chest and you remember being told to 'know your place' and you remember always being silenced no matter what you had to say.

"I remember a shadow, living in the shade of your greatness. I remember you tossing me into an abyss, I who should have been king." You think that if he does not remember how you fell, how it was you who let go, then it may as well have been him that pushed you. You wonder if he remembers that you didn't want the throne.

"So you take the world I love as recompense for your imagined slights? No, the Earth is under my protection, Loki." You understand now, Thor does not remember, will never remember. You understand now, Thor does not understand _you. _You want to use whatever power you have to place your memories into his mind, to transfer your pain to him, you want to show him in some way, anyway, how much Asgard has broken you, how much _he _has broken you, how much your so called 'imagined slights' have broken you, but you won't, not because you can't, you can, but because that would break _him _and that has never been your intention.

You realize that you have known this for a very long time, known and accepted, that's why you let yourself become a shadow, it's why you let the shade fall on you, not enough to stop you from burning but enough to keep you hidden, because to have allowed anything else would have been the end of the only person who has ever loved you for who you are and you would never have allowed that.

_All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players. _And you created the character you now play; it is your duty to see him through to his end, whatever that end may be, and you shall. So carry on, act as if nothing has changed, you are good at this, the best there is, after all.


	28. They Call Him Monster

Eurgh... just... read it, alright?

* * *

It's not the gag that angers Loki, true, it irks him that they are making him wear it but that is not what makes him angry. He is angry because he has always born defeat in silence, not by force but by will, this time should have been no different, except it is because they are forcing silence upon him.

In the past when someone had told him to be silent or to know his place, he would give a small nod and stop talking, as they had wished, but it had always been his _choice_, and it had never been much of a choice to start with but he'd always been able to make it. No one had ever forced silence upon him, at least not like this, and even when his lips had been sown shut it had been his choice. This was not, this felt wrong, on so many levels.

It felt wrong because he did not need words to cast magic, he needed his hands for that and they'd already chained those. It felt wrong because he could not fight, was not strong enough to fight, did not have the will to fight and they knew it. It felt wrong because his only defence left was his words, his ability to speak, to warn, to apologize, to thank, to plead, to beg, to promise, to compromise, to lie, to admit, to agree, to disagree, to just voice an opinion, this was his only defence left and they took it away as if it were nothing. This is what angers him, angers and disgusts and hurts and annoys him like nothing else could have.

Even when he had believed he was going to die, he had chosen not to say goodbye, had chosen not to speak at all even though he had believed it to be his last chance to say _any_thing. Even when he was hurting inside from all the scorn and disgust born his way by his fellows in Asgard it was still his choice to remain silent about the way he felt. No matter how bad the situation, he had always been able to make his own choice on whether he was silent or not, Odin had never taken that choice away from him.

In just one action the Midgardians showed Loki just how disgusting and cruel they could be and if he could speak he would tell them that there had always been a reason behind every action he had made or every word he had spoken that transcended his innate desire to cause chaos or upset. If he could speak he would tell them that no matter what they said or did from this moment on he would never again look on them as weak or deserving to be ruled, because they were the race who could take away a person's voice as if it were nothing for no reason other than that they could.

From this moment on, Loki Son of No-One will look upon the people of Earth as a race that deserves nothing more than to be destroyed, not even his kind, the monsters, would take away a person's ability to speak if it was the last thing they had to defend themselves with, and if they were monsters, what did that make the people of Earth?

This is what angers Loki; that they call him monster and do not give him the means to prove them wrong.


	29. You're Not Scared Anymore

I challenge you not to cry with this instalment. :P Or the next two... :) Ehehehehhehe

* * *

"You wanted to be like me, Loki, you wanted to be my equal but you won't be and you can't be." You don't want to listen to what he has to say but you are frozen, body refusing to move so you have to listen, there's nothing else for you to do. "Because while you were so set on being father's favourite you forgot something, something so important it had kept you by my side since we were children, something so important that not even all of Asgard could destroy. While you were so set on being father's favourite you forgot that you were mine and that I was yours. You forgot while I looked at you as my brother and you at I that we _were_ equals; you forgot that while we had each other nothing else mattered. You forgot that while we fought side by side no enemy was too great for us to defeat. You wanted to be like me, Loki, you wanted to be my equal but you won't be and you can't be because we _were _equals but you cast yourself down where I grew above and you were like me but where I learnt my lessons you just made your same mistakes." Your heart is beating painfully in your chest and you feel as if you cannot breathe.

_Stop it. Stop it. Thor, stop it._

You cannot find your voice to shout, cannot find your legs to move, you cannot even find your hands to perform magic. You are stuck, trapped listening to his words, words so pure and true they cut deeper than your tainted lies ever have.

"You can never be my equal, Loki, because you will never allow yourself to be. This has nothing to do with me, Loki; this is about you and your inability to accept yourself but I will be your scapegoat as I always have been and as you have always been mine." Thor's words cut you deeply, your heart feels like it's breaking, your lungs are burning and your body feels weak, everything hurts. Somewhere distant shots ring out, and you can hear someone gasping and someone else shouting and voices screaming but you don't know why, nothing matters but Thor and the words he won't stop saying.

_Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. _

You can't breathe, you can't think, this can't be happening. When did Thor learn to use words to his advantage? When did Thor learn just what to say to bring his enemies to their knees? When did Thor…? When did Thor...?

_Stop…_

You can't breathe, your vision is wavering and your legs are trembling and you can't breathe, why can't you breathe? There's a swirl of colour and suddenly you are on the ground and Thor's still speaking but you can't make out exactly what he's saying but it sounds vaguely like 'Loki, no.' but it's not that, can't be that, that was another time, another place, a different fall, a different you. He is not calling your name and he is not reaching for you with desperation and sorrow and a rage controlled but he is, isn't he?

"Thor?" your voice has never sounded so small, so frightened; so confused. Colours swirl in front of your eyes again and then there's Thor looking down at you, you're cradled in his arms and you can't work out how you got there. "Thor?" your voice has never sounded so desperate, so lost; so unsure. Thor's mouth is moving but you cannot hear his voice. '_Do not try to speak, brother, save your strength.' _He is saying but you don't know why, save your strength for what? What's happening? "Brother, I…"

_I can't breathe._

_I can't move_

_I can't think_

_I'm sorry_

There's so many things you want to say, so many things you want to inform Thor of, like how your body is going numb, like how you can't breathe, like how any coherent thought skitters away from your reach, like how you're sorry but you don't know why, like how you're scared but you're not sure of what, like how you are warm where Thor is touching you and how you like that because everything else is just so, so cold and you don't have a clue why. So many things you want to tell Thor but you can't because your voice won't cooperate and say the things you want to say. _'Be silent, Loki, please, save your strength._' And there's a splash of something warm and wet on your cheek and you don't know what it is until you see the tears slipping from Thor's eyes and that just confuses you more because why is Thor crying? You want to reach up and wipe the tears away and whisper _'don't cry, you're going to make me start crying if you do.' _But you cannot move your arms and you don't understand why.

Your eyes are burning and you want to tell Thor '_see, now look what you've done_' because you were fine until he started and now you're just so scared and so confused that you don't think the tears are going to stop. A black shadow appears over Thor's shoulder and your muddled mind recognizes it as Black Widow, you want to smile and call her a 'mewling quim' just to see her reaction but you can't speak, and anyway she's the one talking. '_He got away, Thor, I'm sorry._' And now you are even more confused, who got away? Why is she sorry? And why do you feel so, so, so tired?

"Brother, forgive me." It's nothing more than a whisper and you're not even sure it's yours as your eyes slip closed. You feel as if you are floating and it is peaceful and suddenly you understand what is happening and suddenly you are not so scared anymore.

"Hello, father." And there's a bright light and fire and a young girl laughing and calling to you and you know you are going to Hel, but that's alright, you're alright. You're not scared anymore and there's no Thor to fight anymore and that's alright, because you don't need Thor anymore. It was never about Thor, it was about you and your inability to accept yourself and that doesn't matter anymore because you've found peace and you've found Hela and you're alright because you don't have to fight anymore, you can't fight yourself anymore because there's no Thor to measure up to anymore, only Hela and you already know she doesn't care who or what you are because you are her father and she loves you and you have always been her favourite and she has always been yours and that's all you'll ever need.

You let her take your hand and lead you towards the light and your eternal 'suffering' with a smile on your face.

"Honey, I'm home."


	30. Everyone Knows You Do What You Shouldn't

Ehehehheheh I do what I want. :P

* * *

And it shouldn't break your heart the way it does to see Mjolnir clashing with Gungnir, and it shouldn't bring a tear to your eye listening to the way Thor begs you to stop, and it shouldn't make your lungs burn the way it does seeing your brother's hope for you crumbling before your very eyes, and it shouldn't but Hel knows you do a lot of things you shouldn't. And it shouldn't _hurt _the way it does to have everything you want even further out of your reach than it ever was before, and it shouldn't but Father knows you do a lot of things you shouldn't.

The silence that falls shouldn't deafen and hurt you the way it does, the darkness and destruction shouldn't thrill you and scare you the way that they do, the hatred and the guilt shouldn't feel so glorious in the way they do. The chaos and death and anger shouldn't fill you with _pride _in the way that they do. They shouldn't but Thor knows you do a lot of things you shouldn't.

You're scared that if you let fall the tears you've been holding back for so long you'll drown and you shouldn't be scared, not of that. You're scared that if you give up fighting the war that's been raging for so long you'll get lost in the darkness that's been threatening to take you and you shouldn't be scared, not of that. You're scared that if you let go of the hatred and rage that swirls through you and has for so long you'll fall like you did when you let go of Gungnir and you shouldn't be scared, not of that. You're scared that one day you'll wake up and Gungnir will be slipping from your hands as you dangle off the Bifrost with Thor and it'll be too late to grab hold of Gungnir again because you'll already have fallen too far by the time you realize what's happening and you shouldn't be scared, not of that. You shouldn't be scared but youknow you do a lot of things you shouldn't.

And maybe that's why you're not surprised by the blood that shouldn't be, but is, slowly trickling from a hole that shouldn't be, but is, in your chest and maybe it's why you're frightened of the ground that shouldn't be, but is, gaining on you quickly and maybe it's why you're thrilled to see the rage and sorrow and chaos that shouldn't be, but are, swirling in Thor's eyes as he rushes towards you and maybe it's this that prepares you for the darkness that shouldn't be, but is, rushing up to greet you and maybe it's all this that makes you smile when your body shouldn't, but does, go still and maybe you shouldn't have smiled but you did because you did a lot of things that you shouldn't have and that didn't change, even at the end, and maybe it should have.


	31. The God of Mischief Does Not Break

I apologize in advance for any feels obtained throughout the course of this chapter but I cannot be held accountable, thank you, enjoy the read. :)

* * *

Clint tries not to snicker when Loki begs Thor not to let him die. Natasha looks away and clenches her eyes shut when Loki screams. Tony smashes the poor scientist, who had only been following orders, against a wall when Loki cries out Thor's name. Bruce hulks out and destroys half the lab when he sees the way Loki flinches to the touch. Steve stands stock still and watches Loki as he tries to work out where the line between good and bad crossed over without him noticing. Thor keeps saying 'look in my eyes, Loki, look in my eyes and remember home,' as he tries to remove the tubes and chains and little glowing green glass vials off or out of Loki while Loki just tries to breathe and he tries to do as Thor says and he tries not to cry out and he tries not to scream at Thor to kill him only to retract the statement a moment later with pleads of 'don't let me die, brother, don't let me die.'

Clint tries to bite back the cruel comments he has on tap at Loki's condition, they come from somewhere deep and dark and ugly within him, somewhere that is still holding an ugly grudge against the God for taking over his mind. Clint's trying though and that's the only thing that keeps him going. Natasha is fine with blood and gore and death and destruction, it kind of comes with the job, she's just not prepared to look at Loki as a victim, he's the man who brought them all together as a team by being so insane and evil that even they nearly failed to stop him after all. She's just not ready for that and she fears the day she is. Tony's never trusted SHIELD but he never thought they'd turn out to be worse than he predicted and he never thought victory over a god would taste so sour. But SHIELD is and it does and he just wants to drink this all away. In one way Bruce is thankful, Loki being captured meant SHIELD's attention had been taken off of him so he could find a place to hide for a while so that what they were doing to Loki wouldn't happen to him, at least not for a long time. But as much as Bruce is thankful, he's also angry and disgusted and horrified that this _could _have happened to _him _and would have if they could do it to _Loki _and that they _did _do it to Loki_, _the guythey needed six heroes, a nuke and a rage monster to defeat. It kind of makes him wonder if maybe Earth would have been better under Loki's rule and it shouldn't. Steve shouldn't be so shocked that SHIELD betrayed him again, he shouldn't be so shocked because they are spies and assassins, it is their job to lie and kill and double-cross and just because he tells himself they do it for the good of the country so he can sleep at night doesn't make it true. Even so, Steve doesn't know if he can trust anyone after this, he knows it only takes one wrong step for a bridge built on shaky ground to crumble and he's made a wrong step here.

Thor just wants to get Loki out of here and back home, Thor just wants to leave Midgard and never return, and Thor just wants to tear them all to pieces. Thor put his trust in SHIELD, Thor let them take Loki back after Asgard was satisfied that Loki had paid for his crimes against them, Thor let them take Loki to pay for his crimes against Midgard because he trusted them to be just. Thor wants to rip their hearts out for lying to him; Thor wants to smash them to pieces with Mjolnir for hurting his little brother. Thor just wants to leave and never come back; Thor never wants to see any of them ever again.

With every scream or cry that leaves Loki's mouth Thor's rage becomes more intense but his need to console and comfort Loki increases with it. 'think of home, Loki, think of home, the halls of Asgard, mother smiling, Sigyn, Sleipnir, think of home, Loki…' Loki just wants to die but then again he doesn't, because dying would mean admitting defeat to these Midgardians again and he doesn't want to do that, because maybe admitting defeat a second time would mean worse things to come than what is happening to him now. Loki wants to stop looking into Thor's eyes, his blue, blue, blue eyes because he feels like he's drowning in them. Loki just wants the pain to stop.

"Thor, just kill me, please, Thor, please. I just want it to be over." Loki will deny this moment for the rest of his life, because the God of Mischief does not beg.

"Look in my eyes Loki, just look at me. Remember the flame you turned green in the kitchen just so it would clash with the décor around it and make the cooks mad? Remember how mother glowed when you told her that her presence and her smile lit up even the darkest of rooms? Well this room is dark now; think of her smile, Loki, think of mother. Remember how Father said that upon your return you are to meet with the Frost Giants as they are demanding the swift return of their King? A king they have never even had a chance to know? Remember how Father said that you were to bring a new era of peace between Jotunheim and Asgard? Remember, baby brother?" Thor doesn't want to think how Asgard will react when they learn that their youngest Prince was being tortured without their knowledge under the guise of 'paying for his crimes'. Thor doesn't want to think about it because he knows eventually they'll let Jotunheim cast the final vote on what should happen to Earth and Thor decides he doesn't even want to think about what will happen to Earth when slash if Jotunheim learns their king was being tortured while Asgard kept reassuring them that he would return to them soon. Thor doesn't want to think about it because at this point, he's not against joining Jotunheim in whatever they decide.

"Oh Allfather, it hurts!" Loki sucks in a breath as Thor starts to remove another vial. "The Frost Giants deserve a better King than I… I was raised AEsir, Thor, what right have I to be the king of the Jotun?" Loki's voice shakes as he speaks but speaking helps, helps to take his mind off the glass vial that Thor is removing from his chest, helps take his mind off the pain.

"You are the only son of their late King, you have every right, brother, and they are calling on you to take the throne, what right have you to refuse?" Thor replies using the meagre magic skill he possesses to channel the magic from the vial back into Loki. Loki knows that at any other time he would be judging Thor's lack of grace in regards to the art of magic if it were not for the fact that Thor's lack of grace is the only thing keeping Loki's depleted magic reserves full enough to keep him from bleeding out.

"I am a poor excuse for a king, Thor; I could not even protect myself when it became clear that my magic was in danger of being stolen. A rightful king would have given everything he had to keep his magic from being placed in the hands of those who would be unable to control it; a rightful king would have taken his own life when it became evident that he could not protect his magic. I did neither; I am not a rightful king. I am nothing." Loki fights the starbursts of pain that shoot through him as the vial is removed and he sucks in a breath and _does not_ let it out in the form of a scream in the next second, because the God of Mischief does not scream. Thor's eyes darken a little bit more at the sound and Clint is trying hard not to say anything that will make the situation worse.

"You will be a great king, Loki, you judge yourself by the deeds you committed in the past that have already been forgiven, and you judge yourself harshly. Your crimes have been forgiven, you have been forgiven." Thor turns to last vial, the one in Loki's wrist and he sighs. "Besides, the moment we get out of here, you'll never have to return to Midgard again, you'll never have to see another human again, if that is your wish." Loki snickers and rolls his eyes and tries to ignore the black spots that are swirling in front of his vision.

"Oh, and I suppose Lady Jane will just stop being Midgardian by your sheer force of will?" he questions and Thor pauses before a smile graces his face.

"Hush, brother, you're being smart again." He says starting to remove the vial and transfer the magic it contains back into Loki. Loki giggles and Thor's not sure if it's from the pain or their conversation, Loki will tell him later that it is from the pain, because, the God of Mischief does not giggle.

"Shut up, brother, you're being naïve and forgetful again." Loki breathes through the pain. "This is the last one, correct?" he asks after a moment, Thor nods and Loki gives a small sigh. "Good, when we get out of here, I am sleeping for a week… or two." Thor snickers.

"Sure you are, you've never slept that long in your life." Loki scowls.

"Actually, I do hope you recall that month where I slept beside father in his Odin Sleep."

"Ahh but that was only because I dared you to…" Thor replies, scowling. "Doesn't count." He adds after a moment. Loki grins.

"Don't be a sore loser, Thor, it does not become you. And of course it cou-" he cuts himself off with a scream when Thor removes the vial. The spots clear from his vision, not entirely but enough and breathing heavily, he hears the clattering of glass on metal and he sighs in relief. "Home?" he asks when Thor carefully lifts him into his arms, bridal style.

"Of course, where else would we be going?" Thor says with a smirk and Loki smiles lopsidedly.

"Oh, I can think of a few places..." and with that he passes out and Thor takes them home. Loki does not tell Thor that the first place on the list is Hel and that throughout everything in the last few months he'd been hearing his daughter calling to him, her voice getting stronger and stronger as the time had gone by. Loki doesn't tell Thor because Loki doesn't want to see Thor's eyes darken until the light within them burns out like they have in his own, it would break what is left of his heart and he doesn't think he can survive that too when he's barely survived his own.


	32. And I Tried So Hard To Reach You

_Hey guys... I had a 4 and a half hour physics test today that I am pretty sure I failed so I was upset and ended up putting those feels to goo use. :) So here..._

_I do not own anything. The song belongs to the Goo Goo Dolls and it's called Acoustic #3. :) Bonus points for whoever works out who's speaking. :) _

* * *

_They painted up your secrets, with the lies they told to you._

I watched him change you, it was a brush against my grace and a pull I could not resist, 'wrong, wrong,' it screamed at me 'wrong, wrong,' and I wanted to interfere, I wanted to stop him. It was not his right to change you, to hide you, to _steal _you, All-Father he may be, but it was not his life he was taking.

_And the least they ever gave you, was the most you ever knew._

I watched you growing up, saw the way you were almost an afterthought for them, all of them, even Thor. I watched you growing up and I questioned why I couldn't just steal you, you who were my other, you who deserved so, so much _more. _I questioned and my answer was that I did not know how to go about it in such a way that you would believe me and… not break from the truth, so I left you.

_And I wonder where these dreams go, when the world gets in your way._

You always knew what you wanted out of life and you almost always knew how to get it, but you had bad days, and oh they were so bad. You used to lie on your bed looking up at the ceiling, and if I had a heart it would have broken. You used to scare me half to death with your whispered spells of 'willing death,' 'suffocation,' and 'blood loss,' and I almost hated not telling you I was there and that you were not alone.

_What's the point in all this screaming? No one's listening anyway._

You used to scream so loud and for so long, I kept expecting you to faint from oxygen deprivation. You used to scream and scream and no one but me ever heard and I couldn't help you, not then, it was forbidden.

_Your voice is small and fading, and you're hiding here alone._

You found Anna's tree, I don't know if it's because the left over residue of her grace called to you or whether it just happened by chance. I know you refer to it as 'Yggdrasil' and I know that you know it's not, but you like to think it is and I find the name fitting, Anna was always full of life, even when we still frowned upon emotions.

The tree is hollow inside; it was a reaction that occurred when you placed your hands upon its trunk, and there's a word you speak in your small deadened voice that opens a hole in the bark just big enough for you to crawl through that closes behind you. You stay here for hours, a little green ball of flame that you call 'nature's warmth' lighting up the hide away for you, you stay here and you think and you cry and you ask questions I cannot tell you the answers to.

_What's the point in ever trying? Nothing's changing anyway._

You've given up, you don't care anymore, you fight only because you don't know what else to do and you get so, so bored if you don't, but you don't care anymore and you don't really want to keep trying. You've had your time of chasing greatness and you just can't find the will to chase after it anymore, you were burdened with glorious purpose but the glory wasn't worth the burden and you have broken under the weight.

_They press their lips against you, and you love the lies they say._

You liked it when they kept telling you that you were their son, or their brother, or their family or their _friend. _You loved it when they told you that you belonged, you loved it when they said they loved you, you loved it when they said you mattered. You know they were lying, you know, but you loved the lies they kept on speaking to you and you just can't… let go of that feeling, it was the only love you knew.

_And I tried so hard to reach you, but you're falling anyway._

If you had held on for a few more moments I would have caught you, would have saved you; would have helped you. I turned away from you for a moment and when I looked back you were falling and I couldn't catch you even though I so, so wanted to. You were falling like so many of my brothers before you and I was forbidden to interfere, forbidden because you had already fallen far enough that even just touching you would have broken you, your godly body too weak to even brush against the vessel of an archangel. Your magic was stretching itself to the extremes just to keep you alive.

_And you know I see right through you, because the world gets in your way._

You landed hard and nearly broke with the impact; you knew not your name, knew not how to speak and knew not where you were. The Chitauri, led by Thanos, saw an opportunity to manipulate you as you had manipulated others, they fed you, clothed you, healed you, taught you to speak, to read, to write, they taught you how to fight. They didn't teach you how to control your magic, so they gave you the sceptre instead and told you that you could only conjure as long as you were in contact with it, you didn't know any better and so you believed them. Then they ordered you to earth and you went, a soldier, you are not a soldier, you were never a soldier.

I broke you out of Asgard, took you back to earth, I healed your heart and healed your mind and I helped you through, you were an open book to me and it upsets me still that it is not the same for you, it should be, you are my Other and nothing should be hidden between us.

_What's the point in all this screaming? You're not listening anyway._

When you left the apartment, I was screaming at you, I screamed until my host yelled at me to breathe, I screamed until my throat was raw, I screamed until my legs gave out and I nearly destroyed the building, but you didn't even hear me. You just turned your back, walked out the door and slammed it behind you and didn't look back, I don't even know what happened, you were laughing with me one moment and then you had blasted me across the room and were gone in the next. I still have not worked up the nerve to talk to you; finding you, however, is not an issue, I know where you are… it may be your tree of life but she was my baby sister…

* * *

All the feels... my bad... ;_;


	33. A World of Fragile Things

Bleurgh, fanfiction stawp changing everything! GAHHH!

Anyway!

I apologize for feels... but deal with them, alright? :) I don't force y'all to read 'em.

This chapter is a sort of challenge I made myself, I got a line or two from some of my favourite songs and wrote a piece for each and then I rearranged them in order to tell a story. :)

Songs, in order of appearance: Acoustic #3-Goo Goo Dolls, Sleeping Beauty-A Perfect Circle, The Noose-A Perfect Circle, Take It-Staind, Waste-Staind, My Last Breath-Evanescence, My Last Breath-Evanescence, Pet-A Perfect Circle, Inside the Fire-Disturbed

* * *

'_And I tried so hard to reach you.'_

He swears he's not crying when he speaks to you, swears he's not choking on his tears when he says "I tried to catch you, I tried, I tried so, so hard." He swears he's not crying and even if he is, it's not like you're going to call him on it.

'_Drunk on ego, truly thought that I could make it right'_

He swears his voice doesn't break when he speaks to you, swears he's not shaking with sobs as he says "I thought if I tried hard enough I could help you, I thought I could do it, thought I knew you well enough to save you." He swears his voice doesn't break and even if it does, it's not like you can hear it.

'_Now you stand reborn before us all, so glad to see you well.'_

He swears he does not hate you for the words you said to him, for the questions you asked him, he swears he does not blame you for asking the things that you did, he swears he does not begrudge you your anger and even if he does, it's not like you care about it.

'_Everything that I can say to you won't help you.'_

He swears his eyes aren't shimmering with tears when he speaks to you, swears he's not fighting back tears that are threatening to fall when he says "I know that everything and anything I can say to you will not change the facts, they will not bring you back." He swears his eyes aren't shimmering with tears and even if they were, it's not like you can see it.

'_But these words, they can't replace the life you, the life you waste.'_

He swears he wasn't hugging and holding you close when he lost you, he swears he wasn't rocking you back and forward when he said "I wish I could have done something to stop you, to save you, you are my baby brother and I love you." He swears he wasn't hugging and holding you close and even if he was, it's not like you lived long enough to remember it.

* * *

'_Hold on to me, love, you know I can't stay long.'_

You swear you weren't crying when he pulled you into his arms, you swear you weren't crying when you whispered "hold me, Thor, hold me, I don't want to die alone." You swear you weren't crying and even if you were, it's not like you're going to regret it later.

'_All I wanted to say was I love you and I'm not afraid.'_

You swear your voice didn't crack when you spoke to him, you swear your breath didn't hitch when you said "I'm not scared, Thor and I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I love you, I'm sorry." You swear your voice didn't crack and even if it did, it's not like you're going to remember it later.

'_Stay with me, safe… just stay with me'_

You swear you did not tremble when he spoke to you, you swear there were no tears in your eyes when he said "Stay awake, baby brother, stay awake, stay with me, stay with me, don't leave me, don't leave me, stay with me, please, just stay with me." You swear you did not tremble and even if you did, it's not like you lived long enough to care.

'_No longer living…'_

* * *

_I apologise for all the Loki death things, it's just my personal belief that Loki will get his moment of redemption in the movies but he will die to achieve it... so... sowwy... ;_;_

_Ps. I might try to make my way through my Loki playlist... which means that you're gonna has to deal with that... also... you should go listen to The Noose by A Perfect Circle because it's PERFECT, ehehehe, for Loki... *nod* yes... yes it is. :) _


	34. That Light In Your Eyes

The song is called 'Poles Apart' and it's from Pink Floyd... they have so many songs that fit Loki it's just not funny. Shall I count the ways?

A New Machine (Part 1 and Part 2), Coming Back to Life, Wearing the Inside Out, Poles Apart, Brain Damage, Pigs on the Wing (Part 1 and Part 2), The Thin Ice, In the Flesh, Don't Leave Me Now, Goodbye Cruel World, Hey You, Is There Anybody Out There, Bring the Boys Back Home, Shine on You Crazy Diamond (I-V and VI-IX), Astronomy Domine, Breathe, Learning to Fly, Time, Childhood's End, The Narrow Way, The Show Must Go On, Stop, The Trial, Outside the Wall, One of the Few, Paranoid Eyes, Eclipse, On the Turning Away, Sorrow, High Hopes and Lost for Words.

Personally my favourites are The Thin Ice, In the Flesh, Sorrow, Poles Apart, Childhood's End, Shine on You Crazy Diamond, A Trial and the New Machine. :) Just if you were interested. :)

Oh Also. In the Chapter. Thor says 'His' in reference to the sky because I'm a New Zealand Maori and in the Maori Culture, the God of the Sky is called 'Ranginui' the Sky Father... so...

* * *

'_Did you know… it was all going to go so wrong for you?  
And did you see it was all going to be so right for me?'_

You saw it coming, didn't you? You saw it coming in the dreams that left you crying late at night. You saw it coming in spells that used to drain the life out of you. You saw it coming, didn't you?

'_Why did we tell you that  
You were always the golden boy then?  
And that you'd never lose the light in your eyes?'_

Why did we lie to you? Why did we tell you things that weren't real? That we knew had the potential to take the light from your eyes? I wasn't always the golden boy and that's what hurts you too, isn't it? That we told you that you would always be the golden boy, the pride of our family but we were wrong, and that's what hurts so much, isn't it?

'_Hey you… did you ever realize what you'd become?  
And did you see that it wasn't only me you were running from?'_

You understood what would happen to you, didn't you? You were always a quick learner and it wouldn't have taken long to see that the path you were travelling was a dark one. It wouldn't have taken you long to learn that you couldn't turn from that path, wouldn't have taken you long to learn that what you were running from in your dreams was everything you ever had and not just me. It wouldn't have taken you long. You understood what would happen to you, didn't you?

'_Did you know all the time but it never bothered you anyway?  
Leading the blind while I stared out the steel in your eyes.'_

You knew all the time, didn't you? But you didn't let it get to you, not then. Not then, no. You took it all in your stride, a whisper here, a whisper there, leading us to success, to victory, ignoring the spite or the harsh words that came your way. But you didn't really ignore them, did you? No, we thought they bounced off you, thought they could not penetrate your armour but we were wrong, weren't we? We were blind to the cold steel in your eyes, we were blind to the slight shaking of your hands, blind to the clenching of your jaw but you didn't let it bother you, not outwardly. You just took it in your stride, a whisper here, a whisper there, leading us to success, to victory.

'_The rain fell slow, down on all the rooves of uncertainty  
I thought of you and the years and all the sadness fell away from me.'_

The rain that scattered on the rooftops after you were gone, it reminded me of you, of all the times when we were little and you would cry because you thought the Sky was in pain. It reminded me of you; of all the times when we were little and you would cry because there was nothing you could do to ease His suffering. It reminded me of you and suddenly it didn't hurt so much anymore, because you weren't really gone, not really, you were still with me in my heart.

The rain fell on the rooftops and though you were gone I still had you with me, snippets and snatches of you, moments in time that were caught and saved in my mind. It was the story of your life and I had it tucked away safe in my head. You were gone but you lingered on through me and I couldn't be sad when I knew that I had not lost you forever.

'_And did you know…  
I never thought that you'd lose the light in your eyes'_

I never thought, never imagined in my wildest dreams that the light that made your eyes shine so beautifully would be lost. I never even entertained the notion that a day would come and there would be only darkness in your eyes. I never believed it could happen, I never expected it. Something so beautiful, so playful, so _you _and I never thought it would go. And I never knew it would take you with it when it did.

* * *

You should all go listen to Pink Floyd... :) Because they're probably going to be popping up in these drabbles more often... :)


	35. Hold Me Still, Bury My Heart on the Cold

Hi guys, sorry I haven't updated in forever... first my laptop died and then I got sick and Doctor Who restarted and stuff and we were moving house and so I didn't have time to write, but we got a new laptop and I found the time to write so... :)

Also, the lines 'Give me hope in the darkness that I will see the light, because oh, that gave me such a fright. But I will hold on as long as you like, just promise me we'll be alright.' and 'Hold me still, bury my heart on the cold... the ghosts that we knew will flicker from view and we'll live a long life.' are from the Mumford and Sons song 'Ghosts that we Knew' I have found so many freaking songs from Mumford and Sons that give feels... seriously... there's just so many! o_o But I think my favourite is I Gave You All or After the Storm or the Cave... :) I may or may not do drabbly things to accompany those in the near future... :) Probably 'the Cave' if I'm really honest because it gives me Loki/Sigyn feels... :) Anyway... a bit of backstory for this chapter...

Basically I was listening to the Mumford and Sons songs and 'Ghosts that we Knew' came on and I went really quiet because I hadn't heard it before and when it hit the 'give me hope in the darkness that I will see the light, because oh, that gave me such a fright. But I will hold on as long as you like, just promise me we'll be alright' part I burst into tears because there was a picture in my head of Loki's story during Avengers being rewound all the way back to just before he let go of Gungnir in Thor and I could just see him holding on tightly to the staff because the things he'd done as post!Thor!Loki terrified and chilled him to the core and he needed someone, anyone to tell him that things would be alright and that there was a chance for him to be redeemed so this is the product of that... I suppose it is a 'fix it' but... :P Feels...

* * *

There should be a muzzle over your mouth and chains on your wrists but there's not, instead you're holding onto a golden staff and hanging over the edge of a glimmering rainbow bridge and oh how it hurts to be back in this place. There's an echo in your mind of words you know you have just spoken but you spoke many months, many years ago and not for the first time you curse your natural Trickster sense of time and your inability to control it.

"No, Loki." It doesn't hurt this time, doesn't break your oh so cold and fragile heart, it doesn't send shivers rippling through your fake AEsir skin to your true Jotun core, it doesn't destroy you… it just scares you and there's a look in Thor's eyes that's begging you not to let go, not to do anything stupid and you almost want to, just to spite him but you've already gone down that path and oh, Allfather, you don't want to go there, not again. A song ripples through your mind, a song you heard Tony's phone pounding out as they'd come to retrieve you that morning, many mornings from now and it hits you how the song gets your feelings across so much better than your own words could.

"_STARK, seriously…" _

"_Shut up, Barton… Bruce was playing it all morning and it got stuck in my head… shut up…"_

"_I'm sorry, that was mean…"_

You smile just the smallest bit and it quivers but you can't help that and you look deep into Thor's eyes and you hope he can see how terrified and how sorry you are.

"Give me hope in the darkness that I will see the light, because oh, that gave me such a fright. But I will hold on as long as you like, just promise me we'll be alright…" Neither Odin nor Thor know what it is or where it came from, Thor can't remember it and Odin's never heard it but they do know what it means and when Odin pulls you both back up, it's Thor who encases you in chains, chains not made of any metal but they may as well have been for all your strength could not break them… "Thor… I can't… breathe…" it's not that you can't feel or hear Thor's relieved sobbing into your shoulder, it's just that you've always been far more dignified than him and this is not dignified in the least. "Thor..." but you pause because then another pair of strong arms wraps around the both of you and there's a voice in your ear.

"My son, I am so proud of you…" and then you're crying too and you don't know how it happens or why but suddenly you start to think that everything will be alright, and you start to think that you can see the first rays of the sun and you smile even as you cry.

"Hold me still, bury my heart on the cold… the ghosts that we knew will flicker from view and we will live a long life…" you whisper to no body and you can't help but thank your natural Trickster sense of time and your inability to control it, because without it there would be no second chances or the lights in the darkness to guide your way back from the brink.


	36. It's Empty in the Valley of Your Heart

_This is Mumford and Sons 'The Cave' and I do not own it, obviously, as I just said that... :) _

_Vali and Nari have been killed and Loki has just been allowed to leave the cave where they chained him to a rock with one of his dead children's innards so this is about how Sigyn, Loki's wife and mother of Vali and Nari, and Loki felt... I also like to believe that Sigyn kind of semi adopted Loki's other children as her own because she loves Loki and they were of Loki so... why not? And also because I think Sigyn would be happy to have more children..._

_Also, I apologize in advance for the feels... _

* * *

_It's empty in the valley of your heart,  
The sun, it rises slowly as you walk  
Away from all the fears  
And faults you've left behind._

She takes his hand as they walk slowly towards his brother and father, she watches the way his shoulders stiffen and he raises his head. She watches the change come over him as he leaves his mistakes behind, but he's only leaving them behind, he's not forgetting them. She knows he barely notices that she's there; she knows he himself is barely there but she does not mind, wherever he is, she's there with him, she knows.

_The harvest left no food for you to eat  
You cannibal, you meat-eater, you see  
But I have seen the same  
I know the shame in your defeat._

She knows that he is quick to notice none of his children are there to greet him, she knows that he knows it's because_ they_ cleansed him of his children, his mistakes. She knows how much it hurts him because they were her children too and now they are gone.

_But I will hold on hope  
And I won't let you choke  
On the noose around your neck._

She hopes they will get through this, she hopes they can get through it but she knows she'll be there to hold his hand or to catch venom for him no matter what happens because she loves him and he used to love her too, before his heart was broken.

_And I'll find strength in pain  
And I'll change my ways  
I'll know my name as it's called again._

He is done with them, he decides, he's done, the pain they force on him he will turn into his strength, the ways they frown upon will become his specialities, the names they insult him with will become his titles, he's done with letting them win.

_Because I have other things to fill my time  
You take what is yours and I'll take mine  
Now let me at the truth  
Which will refresh my broken mind._

He acknowledges his brother and his father as he is expected but the moment they return to Asgard, he and Sigyn go off on their own with Sleipnir, they have more important things to do. They World Walk back to earth and go swimming with Jormungand; they call Hela from her halls and go picnicking on the boughs of Yggdrasil and they visit Fenris and talk with him for hours. They are his true family, they are the only things that should matter, forget the court, forget the king, forget the crown; they never cared for him.

_So tie me to a post and block my ears  
I can see widows and orphans through my tears  
I know my call despite my faults  
And despite my growing fears._

He thanks them for chaining him in that cave, he thanks them for placing a venomous snake above him, he thanks them because it only served to show him who really mattered to him. He thanks them for showing him who he is, a father. Despite all the things he has done wrong, he is still a father, and it doesn't matter that they took and killed his children; it doesn't matter because he is still a father and he knows that. It scares him to think about what's in store for his little family later on, it scares him because haven't they suffered enough? It scares him but he will still care for them and he will still love him and he will defend them no matter what because he is their father and that's all that matters.

_So come out of your cave walking on your hands  
And see the world hanging upside down  
You can understand dependence  
When you know the makers land. _

She doesn't know if the change in him is good or if it's bad but it doesn't really matter because she knows neither of them will ever be the same after what happened. It scares her but she knows him and she knows where he's going and he needs her so she will be with him, every step of the way because they are tied together by the sorrow they share.

_So make your sirens call  
And sing all you want  
I will not hear what you have to say._

He does not speak to his Royal Family for months, he acknowledges them when he remembers and oft times not even then, he cannot bring himself to do it. His brother gives him puppy dog eyes and tries to plead with him but all it does is remind him of how they would not listen to his pleas as they turned one son into a wolf to kill the other. Frigga cries and always calls his name when she sees him but he ignores her because all it does is remind him of Sigyn crying and wailing his name and their sons names as they tore them from her arms and held her down as they killed them. He makes it his purpose to avoid Odin at all costs and he succeeds.

_And I will hold on hope  
And I won't let you choke  
On the noose around your neck._

It's raining when he kisses her goodbye, they're outside a little hut in a forest down on earth and he's had to beg and plead and cry and bribe and trick and compromise with her to get her here. This little hut is now her home and she agreed to stay there only if he would visit her at the end of every week without fail unless he had given word he would not be coming. It had taken months to get her to agree and he'd been so relieved and so exhausted when she had. He knows she understands why he's doing this but he knows that she wants to be with him too, and he wants to be with her but he can't bear the thought of them taking her away or hurting her because of him, he just can't stand it, so this is how it has to be. There is nothing holding her to Asgard but her loyalty to the king, and it still threatens to strangle her, even here but he won't let that happen.

_And I'll find strength in pain  
And I'll change my ways  
I'll know my name as it's called again._

She learns to be strong, learns to take the pain in her heart and turn it into strength, she learns not to love so easily and so deeply and she learns how to survive. She befriends the woodland creatures so she doesn't get lonely and she guides travellers through the forest when they get lost but she never gives her name when they ask but she still knows it and she's just waiting for it to be called. She's just waiting for the time when she needs to be 'mother' or 'wife' again because she knows that's all that really matters, her husband and the children they love. She learnt the hard way that family isn't synonymous with 'love' and it's a mistake she will never make again.


	37. The Kings Justice

_I had feels while in the Taxi back from M.I.T today when this song came on my iPod so... ehehe... the other two main parts of this song I want to write on as well but I just can't figure out how to write them correctly so... :/  
_

_It's Loki and Sigyn after their boys are murdered... there seems to be a bit of this lately..._

_This song is Feel the Tide (Turning) by Mumford and Sons. :)  
_

* * *

_She sits him down in a stiff chair  
Rubs his back and strokes his hair  
Telling him it's okay to cry  
But he just sits and stares  
The merciless moon outside  
Has nothing now he's come to realize  
Only the desolation he feels  
The cold distance inside._

* * *

She sits him down in a stiff chair beside their window, she almost thinks he's competing with the chair on who can be stiffer backed, and she almost thinks he's winning. She strokes his matted, greasy hair, he has refused to bathe since he was released two hours ago, and she rubs his back, trying to get him to relax under her touch, trying to get him to calm down.

"You're allowed to cry, darling, they were you children too." She whispers to him, tears threatening to fall from her own eyes, she doesn't think he even hears her as his haunted eyes continue to look at the bright moon outside. She wonders what he's thinking, but she doesn't need to wonder because she knows. She hopes he's not thinking of what happened, but she doesn't need to hope, indeed she can't hope, because she knows; she knows where his mind is at and she knows what he's thinking because her mind is there with him, thinking those things too.

Her arms drape around his much too thin shoulders and she holds him tight, far too tight and it's the way that he doesn't respond that breaks her heart into even smaller pieces. "They are with their elder sister now, you know this, Loki. Not even Odin can hurt them now." She whispers into his ear, voice nearly choked with tears but he doesn't hear her or he just deigns to ignore her, so she tries again. "Please, they took my sons from me; don't let them take my husband from me too. We have paid the price they asked of us, we have paid it in full but no more. Please."

She does not leave him when he does not reply; she won't lose another to the kings 'justice.'

* * *

_But you and I now  
We can be alright  
Just hold on to what we know is true  
You and I now  
Though it's cold inside  
Feel the tide turning._


	38. The War Was Over

I was going back over some of my documents and I stumbled across this... so... uhm. Here.

* * *

The war was over, he was taking me away, maybe if I had been older, I would have screamed for you, you wouldn't have cared but maybe I would have screamed and you would have come, maybe, maybe just because I was your son and he was your enemy. The war was over, I was just a child and he took me away, maybe if I had been older I would have cried when they told me I couldn't go home, maybe, maybe because you were my father and he was your enemy.

The war was over and he took me away, you didn't even care, you thought me dead but then maybe you did care; maybe you were helping me because I was your son and we are _giants _and Jotun runts are never accepted among the clan. The war was over and he took me away, I never got to know you and I hated you, I never got to know you before _I_ killed you.

The war was over and he took me away. The war was over and he raised me to hate; you, myself, everyone. Everyone but him and his. The war was over and I was just another of its spoils. The war was over and they preached equality but praised hate and maybe I would have been better off dead.

The war was over, he was taking me away, maybe if I had been older, I would have screamed for you, you wouldn't have cared but maybe I would have screamed and you would have come, maybe, because I was your son and he was your enemy…


	39. They Speak of What They Do Not Know

I don't even know...

Just Frigga thoughts... what if Loki truly died when he fell from the Bifrost and Heimdall saw his body crash land on the earth and told Odin and Frigga?

* * *

They say you are not supposed to have favourites when you are a parent, they say you are meant to love and treat your children the same way, they say doing anything else will result in jealousy, but they say a lot of things they do not understand. Everyone always has a favourite something, it does not matter if that something is a person, an object, a time of day, an emotion, everyone always has a favourite, and everyone always reacts differently to their favourites.

We never intended to pick favourites with our children, never intended for things to go so wrong, but we did and they did and that is just how things happen, that is just how life is. We are gods and gods are always at war, our children are always at war, it was always going to end up like this. We picked favourites, and we should not have but we were always going to, we were naïve to believe otherwise. We believed we could prevent jealousy forming between ours sons by us both having a different favourite but it did not work out the way we had planned; it never worked out the way we planned.

They fell, first Thor and then Loki, the eldest followed by the youngest, but Thor came back and for once in his life Loki did not. They say letting go is hard, they say it has to get worse before it gets better, they say that eventually the sun will come out again, but they say a lot of things they do not understand. Letting go is hard, but he let go without a second thought. It has to get worse before it gets better, but it just kept getting worse and it can never get better now because he is gone. Eventually the sun will come out again, but Thor will never stop crying and so the rain will never stop falling.

People say a lot of things they do not understand, I never got to say goodbye, and they say it is not my fault, but they say a lot of things they do not understand. We are gods and one god must fall for another to rise. Thor fell and Loki ascended, Thor returned and Loki fell, Thor ascended even further than before, this is the way of the gods. They say it is not my fault that Loki fell, but they do not understand, we picked favourites and he was mine and it was not good enough. They say actions speak louder than words, but it would seem many things are better than words because they also say that a picture is worth more than a thousand words and our picture speaks so many words about so many actions that we always seemed to miss.

Loki was a master in the art of the Spoken Word; it was his words people listened to, not his actions, and even then only when he really wanted them to. He was my favourite; I thrust the crown upon his head and sat him on the throne, if I had not then he would still be here, so you see, they tell me it is not my fault but they still do not understand. They say he did not speak a word when he fell, but they do not understand, he did not need to, the silence itself spoke of far more things than he could ever have hoped to give voice to. They say it is hard to hide pain behind a smile, but they never understood Loki, he was pain and rage and love and hate and fire and ice all bundled up and cloaked in lies and fake smiles with a silver tongue that never seemed to stop. He was my favourite and I was the only one who ever understood the way everything he was contradicted with what everyone thought him to be, and they tell me it is not my fault…


	40. Running in the Shadows

**I discovered the Transit of Venus Album from Three Days Grace and that also lead me to discover the single from their Lost in You album called 'The Chain' so it is to be expected that a lot of feels are going to be had because the Transit of Venus album is perfect and The Chain is amazing so ficssss...**

**Yeah, this chapter is based around the lyrics for The Chain and I can't be to blame for any feels experienced while reading. :)**

**And if any of you are wondering, I am still actually going to be updating my other stories, like Welcome to the Room, it's just there's other works I'm writing behind the scenes that probably won't be posted because they're headcanons and sometimes not fully thought out headcanons... Also school is the most buzz killing thing in existence. **

**Anyway, here you go. :)**

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**Listen to the wind blow…  
Watch the sun rise…  
Running in the shadows…  
Damn your love, damn your lies.**

The wind whispers with Thor's voice, somehow it always has but Loki has always ignored it, not today. The sun rises with the brightness of Frigga's smile, somehow it always has but Loki has always ignored it, not today. The shadows swirl around him but where they break Odin's eye watches, and somehow it always has but Loki has always ignored it, not today. Today the wind screams with Thor's voice and batters itself against Loki's body with a mockery of Thor's strength. Today the sun rises with Frigga's brightness behind a wall of grey clouds and no one partakes of her joy. Today the shadows do not break and Odin's eye does not see, no matter how hard it tries. Loki does not need their love today; Loki does not need their lies.

**And if you don't love me now,  
you will never love me again.**

They have failed, as Loki always knew they would, there is no love for monsters and what is he but the most expertly crafted of them? If they cannot love him at his worst how should they love him when he's at his best? No, if they can't love him for who he is now, they will never love him again.

**I can still hear you say it;  
You would never break the chain  
(Never break the chain).**

Three memories swirl in Loki's mind at every moment of every day, three swirling memories of blinding colour, roaring sound, and the shattering of an already broken heart. Loki remembers kneeling before Odin in the throne room, the room empty but for them. Loki remembers kneeling at the king's feet and placing his forehead against the cold stone floor in a show of supplication, as tears threatened to fall from his eyes. Loki remembers the words that were torn from his throat that day.

"Fenris is my son, my king, he is your grandson and he has done naught to deserve such harsh punishment. I beg of you, let me take him far away from here to a place where he will trouble no one, somewhere he can grow up and live a happy life. I shall give you anything in return. Please, father, you have taken Jormungand and Hela from me already, please don't take Fenris, he is my youngest and he does not yet comprehend his great powers, much as Thor is still learning how to control his." Loki remembers how thick his voice was, can still remember the bile that kept threatening to rise in his throat. Loki can remember Odin.

"I am sorry, my son, but this cannot be. Your mother had a vision and I am not fool enough to ignore it. I will never break Fenris' chain, Loki; the universe cannot take the risk." Loki remembers his body trembling with emotions so raw Frigga had to explain them to him later, a mother's instinct to protect her young, she'd told him, and he remembers how terrified she'd been of losing him. He remembers lifting his head from the ground, straightening his back and climbing to his feet, magic swirling around him, tearing at the fabric of his garb, cutting at his own flesh, and shattering the ground beneath his feet.

"You're not! You're not sorry. Mother had a vision, mother has had many visions before now and yet you ignore all of them! You won't break Fenris' chain because he's destined to kill _you _but you never stopped to think that perhaps this would be because you _chained him up like a disgusting animal and stuck a sword through his mouth._ The universe takes risks just by existing; Fenris being free would not hinder the universe any more than his birth did. This has nothing to do with the universe and everything to do with you. You are _craven, _mother says she had a vision of Fenris killing you and instead of letting your destiny play out as the Norns intended, you chain Fenris up in an attempt to cheat your death, is that why you cast sweet Hela down as well? Because she can see ends and she predicted yours? You are craven, Odin Allfather, and I am ashamed to call you my father, disgusted to call you my king. Did you give up your bravery when you gave up your eye?" Loki remembers the blood that dribbled from his nose, eyes, ears, and mouth as his magic exploded out of him. Loki remembers that all he'd wanted was for it to make everything right, he hadn't cared if the pain of it never stopped; he had just wanted this immense power to make everything alright. Loki remembers how it ripped at his own flesh and tore him up inside. He remembers the entire palace shaking and Odin screaming at him to stop, he remembers not listening and crying and screaming instead, until everything went black and he could not remember anymore.

**And if you don't love me now,  
you will never love me again.  
I can still hear you say it  
You would never break the chain.  
(Never break the chain)**

Loki remembers the cave, remembers the acid falling on his face, burning him, scarring him, hurting him. Loki remembers Sigyn crying when she thought he was asleep and could not hear him as she captured the acid in her bowl. Loki remembers the chains that bit into his flesh and he remembers how they used to belong to his son, how they used to be parts of his son's body. Loki remembers Thor sweeping in and slaughtering the snake, he remembers Mjolnir shattering the chains. Loki remembers Thor carrying him because he was too weak to stand, and he remembers Sigyn kissing his face and making empty promises about life getting better, but Loki remembers the darkness in her eyes too and how they both knew there was no true recovering from this, their sons were dead and gone.

**Listen to the wind blow…  
Down comes the night…  
Running in the shadows…  
Damn your love, damn your lies.  
Break the silence…  
Damn the dark, damn the light. **

Loki remembers how Thor's voice was a scream on the wind as Loki fell through it, he remembers the crushing darkness that enveloped him, he remembers the total lack of light, the lack of anything. Loki remembers the silence, the silence broken only by the repeating voice in his head, the voice that will forever say two tiny words over and over again for only Loki to hear. Loki remembers falling through the darkness, cursing it, hating it, he remembers the light of Asgard as he fell away from it, he remembers cursing and hating that too.

**Ohhh! Keep it together,  
I'll run in the shadows.**

Loki remembers a shadow. Living in the shade of Thor's greatness. Loki remembers the fall and letting go of everything. Loki remembers the darkness that enveloped him and encroaches on his mind even now.

**I'm still running in the shadows. **

Loki remembers running in the shadows and he's still running in them.

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R&R

AN: When Loki's 'motherly instincts' kick in, it basically means that his magic channels his emotions and desires and transforms them into energy which then increases his available magic to a level otherwise impossible to obtain, and it actually becomes so powerful that Loki can't control it, causing it to tear at his own body, both internally and externally, while also breaking apart anything else in close proximity. If Loki hadn't passed out from the magic overwhelming his mind he would have shaken Asgard from its foundation on one of Yggdrasil's branches and all of Asgard would have plummeted into the abyss.


	41. The Worst Part is Looking Back

'The worst part is looking back and knowing that I was wrong.' From The High Road by Three Days Grace, you should all go listen to that song, it's glorious.

Oh, and 'if I look back I am lost' is from Game of Thrones. :)

I am so very sorry if anyone gets confused by this one, it did addle my own brain for a little bit but I'm pretty sure the logic is sound... :P

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They do not understand what Loki means when he says 'the worst part is looking back and knowing that I was wrong' and why should they understand? They never did before. Loki tries to elaborate for them, tries to help them see, but he doesn't know if he's ever going to be able to do himself justice, his skill is fancy words that confuse or convince, he's never been good with fancy words that bring true understanding, still he tries.

"The only truth about myself I ever had was that I was an Odinson, that I was the blood of Frigga and Odin both, I based everything else on lies and deceptions allowing my trust in that truth to provide all the stabilising and balancing any Trickster God requires. I laid my lies on the truth; it is the strongest foundation a liar like me could ever find, because truth does not lie, truth does not promise things only to take them away again, truth is all empowering, it is constant, it never stops being true. Lies shift and change and never stay the same, it's easy to forget a lie and forge a new one to take its place but truth is cold and hard and constant, you cannot simply forge new truths because you wish them to be so. But my truth was a lie, the only truth I ever had, the foundation for everything I was, everything I am, it was a lie, lies shatter as easy as glass on tile and it was upon a lie I built everything. Lies have flaws and cracks and pressure points so exposed they require more lies to conceal them, you can't conceal a lie with truth, the simple act renders the lie impotent, you can conceal the truth with lies however, and that's what happened to me." Loki knows they still do not understand, still cannot grasp the exact thing he is trying to make them see, it frustrates him but he has to keep trying, he just has to.

"If you destroy the foundations of a building, it will collapse in on itself as it has nothing to hold it up. What makes truths so powerful and so crushing and total is that no matter how many lies you throw at them you cannot make them untrue, because a truth that is untrue was never a truth to begin with, it was simply a lie dressed up in pretty clothing raised higher than it should ever have been. I built everything, _everything _I am upon something I believed to be true, I believed with quite literally everything that I was, that I had that it was true and it was a lie; a pretty, convincing, elaborate lie, true, but a lie none the less and I built upon it. A truth that is no longer true is a lie, and lies shatter when the truth is made clear, I am a building collapsing in upon itself as the foundations it had stood on for so long suddenly gave way and crumbled into nothing. I am a pane of glass shattering upon tile, I am… I am the rainbow bridge splintering and cracking and breaking beneath Mjolnir's strength." Loki sighs heavily, his shoulders slumping, his legs tremble until finally they collapse beneath him and he falls to the ground, the sound of his golden chains clanking against the ground can be heard, but no one pays them any heed.

"Truly, the worst part of all of this is that I have to look back and know that I was wrong, that I was always wrong right from the beginning, that I have to continue building my lies in the vain hope that I can stabilise myself because while my foundation is gone, the lies built upon it still remain, only they are shattering one by one and I know my new lies won't help. The truth of this is that even though I know my lies won't do anything, I can't stop because I have always lied, always and I have never known what truth is, not really. So how can I build a new foundation beneath the crumbling building that is myself when the only truth I ever believed in was the greatest and most expertly crafted lie I have ever encountered? If I look back, I am lost, but even that is a lie, not looking back is what led me into the labyrinth in the first place. I was so busy looking to my future that I never saw my past creeping up behind me until it grabbed me by my heart and ripped it still beating from my chest. Without a heart you cannot live, without a foundation you cannot build, what are you but an insignificant blip in time plummeting swiftly from the end of creation to your death at its beginning if you are without both?" Loki stares at the cold ground in defeat, his energy sapped from the truths he has spoken, a god of lies who has never touched, smelt, seen, tasted or heard truth cannot hope to speak it without feeling a great drain on his life force, particularly if the foundation of all his lies has ceased to exist.

"That is all I wanted to say, please have the guards return me to my cell now. I am weary and I need to recover what little strength I can." No one says a word as the guards lead Loki back down to his cell, the one reserved for only the most royal of prisoners, it was also the one with the most wards against magic, the main reason it had become Loki's home since his return to Asgard.

Loki does not know it but when he is gone and the throne room has emptied of all but the royal family of Asgard, Frigga buries her head in her hands and cries, Odin leans his head against the golden shaft that is Gungnir and closes his eyes, Thor stares intently at his hands, as if they are the most interesting things in existence. But otherwise no one says a word, and really, what is there left for them to say? They can see it now, they can see that the worst part is looking back and knowing they were wrong too.


End file.
